Nidaime Erosennin
by Whitewater Alchemist
Summary: Everyone's a pervert; some just know how to hide it. Naruto Namikaze, however, never saw the need to hide her unusual tendencies. FemNaru. Slow updates.
1. The Kyuubi Aftermath

Hello everyone! It's a new multi-chapter story, this time featuring Jiraiya, Naruto, and Shisui Uchiha. It's never been done before. I am a genius! (Oh yeah, it's a femNaru fic.)

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Masashi Kishimoto does.

_Random battlefield...I mean Konoha:_

"Fūinjutsu: Shiki Fūin!" Minato yelled.

The Kyuubi gave a mighty roar and leveled several trees as it watched its chakra disappear into the stomach of a newborn girl.

One last thought crossed the fox's mind before it lost consciousness. _Shouldn't the brat have whisker marks or something?_

Minato sighed in relief as the last traces of Kyuubi's chakra disappeared into the seal. He smiled and looked up as Jiraiya approached him.

"Hey, sensei." The blond Hokage muttered wearily. "I'll be dead momentarily, so can you take little Naru-chan and take care of her for me? Thanks!" Without waiting for an answer, the Yondaime fell to the ground, lifeless.

Jiraiya scowled at his student's body "Dammit, Minato, I suck at raising kids! Oi! Wake the hell up!"

Jiraiya sighed and headed to an emergency council meeting. "Stupid students and their 'save Konoha by dying' plans." He looked down at the little girl in his hands. "What do I do with you now, eh?"

The baby spat up in response.

_Crap idea generator... I mean Council room:_

"The child must be killed!" a random civilian yelled. Danzo looked at him in surprise.

"What child? What the hell are you on?"

Jiraiya appeared, carrying a baby girl. "I think he's referring to this girl."

Danzo frowned. "I see." He turned to the civilian from earlier. "Question. Why?"

"I...ah...um... I... don't really know." He turned to the woman next to him. "Why do we want the kid dead again?"

"Because the Yondaime sealed the Kyuubi inside this child, but our inexperience with the art of Fūinjutsu will lead us to believe that the girl is the demon incarnate for at least several years."

"Oh." The man stood up. "KILL THE DEMON!"

"We will do no such thing." Sarutobi, the newly reinstated Sandaime Hokage, announced. "The floor is open for ideas that don't involve killing."

Danzo stood up. "I'll teach the girl."

Sarutobi scowled at him. "Define 'teach'."

Danzo sneered at his rival and sat down silently.

"I'll teach the girl." Jiraiya spoke up suddenly. Ignoring Danzo's 'that's what I said', Jiraiya continued. "I can already tell that her chakra reserves will be huge, and I owe it to Minato to take care of his legacy. He did ask me to, after all."

Jiraiya looked around the room. "I'll teach the child the basic shinobi skills, as well as Fūinjutsu and, if she has the aptitude for it, senjutsu."

Jiraiya turned to the Hokage. "I know you, sensei. If you're going to tell the village about Naruto's burden, then also tell them _why _she was chosen. Don't worry, she'll be safe on the road with me."

Sarutobi stood up. "I have decided. Naruto Namikaze (the council oh'ed in comprehension) will be raised and trained by Jiraiya until she can sufficiently handle herself."

Jiraiya nodded and vanished in a puff of smoke.

"I'm worried already." The Sandaime remarked, staring down at a small bundle of blankets. "He forgot the child."

Jiraiya appeared out of thin air, took the child, muttered "Oops" and vanished again.

_Idiot dispenser... I mean village square:_

"Attention everyone!" A man yelled from a raised platform. "This is the Neighborhood Watch Committee! We are pleased to inform you..."

"Screw off." The Hokage muttered as two of his ANBU dragged the guy away. He sighed and turned to the conveniently forgotten microphone.

"People of Konoha!" He started. "As you all know, the Yondaime Hokage gave his life earlier today in order to seal away the Kyuubi no Kitsune into a child. What you don't know is why that particular child was chosen. You see, the girl keeping the Kyuubi at bay is none other than Naruto Namikaze, the Yondaime's own daughter."

The crowd stared at him for a moment before a cry rose up. "Long live Naruto Namikaze!" The masses chanted.

Sarutobi continued. "Due to enemies made by Minato during his life, cough-Iwa-cough, Naruto was taken by Jiraiya for raising, as he can protect her from those who might come after her."

The crowd muttered their approval.

The Sandaime smiled. "From this day on, the 10th of October shall be known as the anniversary of Kyuubi's defeat and become a national holiday."

The villagers cheered.

_The Will of Fire burns bright. _The Sandaime thought. _Naruto... good luck._

AN: Oh yeah! Chapter 1 finished! Stay tuned for chapter 2, which will come out shortly. Thanks all, and good night!


	2. Shunshin no Shisui

Yo! Chapter 2 of Nidaime Ero-sennin is now out! Say hello to Shisui Uchiha, known as Shunshin no Shisui and the coolest Uchiha ever to exist (according to me, at least).

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Masashi Kishimoto does.

_Uchiha private sewer... I mean Naka River:_

Shisui frowned as he listened to the water flow by. The river he was meditating by had once been a famous landmark of Konoha, but over the years it became the end point of plumbing connected to toilets in the Uchiha district houses. Shisui opened one eye and sighed. Toilet paper floating downriver was nothing new to him. After all, he came here often.

About the clan... ever since the Kyuubi had attacked the village eight years ago, the Uchiha had been treated with more scorn and suspicion than ever before. Rumors sprang up that the clan was responsible for the attack, and while there wasn't any proof for it, mostly because they didn't do it, the villagers still blamed them and they often got less-than-civil treatment when outside the clan grounds. Only one of their clan was currently respected, and that was because of his unwavering loyalty to the village.

Speaking of which...

"I know you're there. Come on out, Itachi." The fourteen-year-old prodigy called.

Another of Uchiha's prodigies sighed as he jumped down from a tree. "I can never get the drop on you, Shisui-nii." Itachi commented.

Shisui smiled and stood up. "That's because I'm the great Shisui Uchiha!" he announced, striking a pose. "No one can possibly hope to sneak up on _the _Shunshin no Shisui!"

Itachi smiled. "You're so awesome, Shisui-nii! I wish I could someday be as cool as you!"

Shisui turned to the younger boy. "Ah, but you already are as cool as me, aren't you? I mean, they call you the Uchiha prodigy, don't they?"

Shisui frowned as he noticed Itachi seemed a little...off. "Hey squirt, what's wrong? Is it about the coup we're planning?"

Itachi nodded. "Shisui-nii, as you know, I told the Hokage about it in an attempt to salvage the situation."

Shisui gritted his teeth, but nodded. Itachi's loyalty to the village was admirable, but it hurt him that it exceeded his loyalty to the clan. "Go on."

Itachi sighed before continuing. "The Council and Danzo have ordered me to exterminate the clan. They see it as the only way to avoid a civil war."

Shisui scowled. "Why are you telling me this? You know I'm one of the leaders of the movement."

Itachi looked at him with tears in his eyes. "Shisui-nii...I got Madara Uchiha to help me destroy the clan. I want you to live, Shisui-nii! Can you please be out of the village in two days' time?"

Shisui frowned. "So the old coot is still around. Are you sure we can't defeat him? I got my own Mangekyo after my sister died, you know that."

Itachi shook his head. "He has powers even you can't fight against. Please, niisan. Please be out of the village two days from now."

Shisui stared at Itachi for a few seconds. "I don't approve of your methods, but I won't stop you." He stood up and smiled. "Thanks for telling me and wanting me to live, Itachi." He struck another pose. "I promise you that I, the great Shunshin no Shisui, will not die!"

_The nursing home... I mean Third Hokage's office:_

Shisui stood up. "And that's the situation, Hokage-sama."

The Hokage puffed on his pipe for a few moments before reaching for a paper and handing it to Shisui. "Here's what I'll do. Jiraiya reported that Naruto is already powerful in her own right and that she will stay four more years with him until she's twelve. What I want you to do is leave the village and join them on their travels as a third companion for that time. When you come back in a few years, you'll be the new head of the Uchiha clan, understand?" Shisui nodded.

"This letter contains details of your mission." The Sandaime said, motioning to the paper in Shisui's hand. "Show this to Jiraiya in order to inform him of the situation."

Shisui nodded and disappeared in his namesake. (Leave a review if you know what I mean.)

_The dragon's lair... I mean Fugaku's room:_

"As you see, Fugaku-sama, the Sandaime has given me a mission that will take about a week. He said that only I can succeed in this mission because of my particular skills."

Fugaku sighed. "Are you sure he doesn't know about our plans?"

Shisui nodded. "I'm absolutely certain."

Fugaku frowned. "Then this is extremely bad timing. Alright, go. The coup will just have to go on without you. Good luck on your mission."

Shisui nodded and namesaked out of the room.

_Perv hideout #2... I mean Jiraiya's location, two days later:_

"Naruto, stop poking him with a stick, he's not dead." Jiraiya said, watching his apprentice prod at Shisui's body. "He's just unconscious. From the looks of it, he passed out from exhaustion getting here from Konoha."

Naruto frowned and looked at the village wall, located about three kilometers away. "Um... okay?"

Shisui mumbled something unintelligible. Naruto shot up excitedly. "Jiraiya-sensei, he's waking up!"

Jiraiya looked on as the Uchiha slowly stood up and looked at him, before snapping up. "Hello, Jiraiya-sama, I was told to give you this!" he exclaimed, handing the Sannin the letter from Sarutobi.

Jiraiya read the paper quickly, before eating it and turning to Naruto. "Ok, gaki, this guy is gonna travel with us from now on, ya hear? Now introduce yourself!"

Naruto gave a huge smile, bit her thumb, and sped through several hand seals. "Kuchiyose no Jutsu!" she yelled, slamming her hand on the ground.

In a puff of smoke, she appeared on top of a human sized toad. "From the..."

Jiraiya interrupted her. "The short version, ok?"

Naruto nodded and smiled again. "Behold! I am...the elegant Naruto Namikaze, female super-pervert #1!"

Shisui smiled and struck his own pose. "And I...am the great Shunshin no Shisui, the awesomest of the entire Uchiha clan!" he announced.

Jiraiya face-palmed. "Something tells me you two will get along just fine."

AN: Alright! Chapter 2 is now out. Look out for chapter 3, coming soon to a fanfiction near you!


	3. Jounin Sensei Naruto Namikaze

Woo! Chapter 3 of Nidaime Ero-sennin is now out! Naruto comes back to Konoha only to become... well, you have to read to find out!

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Masashi Kishimoto does.

_Gates to hell... I mean Konoha main entrance:_

"Halt!" Izumo ordered the group of three travelers. "State your name and reason for coming to Konoha!"

Kotetsu slapped him. "Are you an idiot or something? That's Jiraiya-sama, and that is the head of the Uchiha clan, Shisui-sama!"

"What about me?" the third figure pouted.

Izumo and Kotetsu looked the stranger over. A girl of around twelve, with waist-length blond hair hanging loosely, and sparkling blue eyes, was standing before them. Based on the red cloak with black flames at the bottom, they assumed she was some sort of relation to Jiraiya.

"We don't know you." Izumo stated bluntly. Naruto grinned and bit her thumb.

_One mentally scarring introduction later:_

Kotetsu and Izumo looked at each other with amazement, which quickly turned to mischief. Before the shocked eyes of the three travelers, the two struck a pose.

"We are the awesome, the amazing, the ever vigilant...Kotetsu and Izumo, Konoha's Eternal Chuunin Duo!" they yelled in unison.

Naruto grinned and stuck out a hand to her two companions. "I told you they'd both pose. Pay up."

Jiraiya sighed and handed Naruto a wad of bills. Shisui groaned.

"Naruto-chan, you know I'm broke. How about I just take you on a date this evening instead, huh?"

Izumo gaped at them. "You guys are dating? How did that happen?"

Shisui started. "Well..."

_Flashback – about a month ago:_

Shisui sighed and sat down next to Naruto. "Naruto, I need your advice. Since you're a pervert..."

"Ahem!"

Shisui quickly amended. "Since you're a super-pervert, you should know this. How do I ask out a female pervert?"

Naruto looked at him, startled. "You want to ask me out?"

Shisui gaped. "How did you know I meant you?"

Naruto stared at him. "Hello, only female pervert within fifty miles here." She smiled. "So where are we going?"

_End flashback._

Kotetsu sweat-dropped. "That's... not very dramatic."

Jiraiya shrugged. "Whatever. We have to go see the Hokage now, so see you two later." He grunted as the three walked past them.

_Still a nursing home... I mean Third's Hokage's office:_

Sarutobi looked up and smiled as the three walked into his office. "Ah, Jiraiya, Naruto, and Shisui. How nice to finally see you all again. Especially you, Naruto. It has been twelve years, after all."

Naruto smiled while Shisui muttered something about being unappreciated.

"Let's get directly to the important stuff." The Hokage ordered. "Jiraiya, what would you say is Naruto's current skill level?"

Jiraiya shrugged. "High Jounin, that's for sure."

Sarutobi looked at him sceptically. "Really?"

"She can kick my ass easily." Shisui interjected.

The Sandaime pondered something. "All right, Naruto, how would you like to be a Jounin-sensei?"

"What's the alternative?"

"Genin."

Naruto turned to Jiraiya. "Do I want that?"

"You don't." Jiraiya deadpanned.

Naruto smiled. "I'll take Jounin-sensei then."

Sandaime nodded and handed Naruto a sheet of paper. "That's your Genin team."

Naruto looked at the names and smirked as one in particular caught her eye.

Sarutobi turned to Shisui. "As you are the only Jounin in the Uchiha clan, the Council has requested that you are put under the CRA, so that the Uchiha clan can be restored."

Shisui frowned. "F*ck the CRA."

"Done." The Sandaime noted as he stamped 'Denied' on a sheet of paper and threw it away. "Now then, Shisui, go do Uchiha clan head stuff, and Naruto, the team assignments begin in one hour, so be at the Academy to pick up your team."

Naruto and Shisui nodded before using Shisui's nickname to leave.

"Now then, Jiraiya..." Sarutobi turned to his student only to discover him gone as well. "Dammit!"

_The pigsty of Konoha... I mean Academy:_

"Team 7 will be Sakura Haruno, Ino Yamanaka, and Sasuke Uchiha." Iruka announced, ignoring two screams of 'Sasuke-kun'. "Team 8 will be Hinata Hyuuga, Shino Aburame, and Kiba Inuzuka, Team 9 is still active, and Team 10 is Shikamaru Nara and Chouji Akimichi."

Shikamaru sighed. "And?"

Iruka blinked. "No, that's it. You guys are a two-man team until a third Genin is found to balance your team out."

Iruka smiled at the class. "Your Jounin-sensei will be here shortly." On cue, Asuma and Kurenai rushed in.

"Did we miss it? Did she do it yet?" Asuma inquired breathlessly. Iruka shook his head.

"No, she's going to begin right about... now." The Chuunin put a small rock in front of the classroom.

The class stared at the rock, but before anyone could ask something, the rock exploded in a puff of smoke, revealing a blond girl standing on a human-sized toad.

Naruto smiled. "From the east to the west, I am the savior of women and the seducer of men. Admired by girls, worshipped by guys, and beloved by everybody, I am Konoha's Nidaime Ero-sennin, the elegant Naruto Namikaze and female super-pervert #1!"

Kurenai and Iruka started clapping. Asuma cheered.

The class stared in shock as Naruto jumped off the toad, which dispelled itself as soon as she got off. "Team 7, follow me."

Three thumps on wood could be clearly heard in the silence.

_Home away from home... I mean training ground 7:_

"Okay, now that we're all here, let's introduce ourselves. Tell the others your name, likes, dislikes, and dreams for the future." Naruto said.

"You go first." Sakura ordered gruffly, refusing to believe that Naruto was any stronger than 'her' Sasuke-kun. What a retard.

Naruto shrugged. "Alright. My name is Naruto Namikaze. I like Jiraiya-sensei, my boyfriend, ramen, and a few other things that you're too young to know. I am too, but that didn't stop me. Anyway, my dislikes are idiots, the civilian council, the three minutes it takes to prepare ramen, and stupid pre-Genin who think they're stronger than a Jounin." At this, Naruto unleashed a dose of concentrated killing intent on Sakura, who almost soiled herself. "My dream is to be Hokage like my dad was." Naruto finished. Sasuke scoffed.

"Please, your boyfriend? Who'd ever date a baka like you?"

"You'd be surprised." Naruto motioned to Ino. "Psycho, you're next."

Trying not to antagonize the other blond, Ino started tentatively. "I'm Ino Yamanaka. I like Sasuke-kun, flowers, and my clan jutsu. I dislike people who hate Sasuke-kun and forehead here. My dream is to someday help Sasuke restore his clan."

Naruto nodded. Ino at least seemed to have a life outside of Sasuke. "Pinky,go."

Sakura scowled. "I'm Sakura Haruno. I like... My dreams are..."

Naruto sighed. "Dislikes?"

"Weak posers and Ino-pig!" Sakura yelled. Naruto raised one eyebrow. _At least the Yamanaka shows some originality. The best Pinky can think of is 'pig'?_

Naruto pointed at Sasuke. "Broody, go."

Sasuke scowled. "Name's Sasuke Uchiha. I don't particularly like anything. I dislike it when the people in charge can't handle it. My goal is to restore the Uchiha clan and kill a certain someone."

Naruto sighed again. _So my team is a broody homicidal kid who thinks he's better than me, and two weak fan-girls worshipping said kid. Joy._

Naruto stood up. "OK, now that we all know each other, we're going to have a survival exercise the likes of which you've never experienced."

Ino frowned. "What's so special about it?"

Naruto smiled. "Ah, glad you asked. You see, this exercise has a 66.6% failure rate, and if you do fail, you get sent back to the Academy for another year."

"What?" Sakura yelled. "But we're already Genin! We graduated the Academy."

"The Academy just selects potential Genin. It's up to the Jounin-sensei to decide whether or not the potential Genin become real Genin. And your Jounin-sensei is me." Naruto scowled at Sasuke and Sakura. "Unless you want to fail right now, you WILL treat me with respect, understand?" Scared by the sudden serious demeanor of their teacher, the two nodded.

"Great!" Naruto grinned. "The test will be tomorrow. Meet me here at six a.m. And don't eat anything unless you want to throw up."

"See ya." And the Jounin disappeared in a puff of smoke. Sakura and Ino immediately started arguing about Sasuke, while the avenger walked away with a scowl.

AN: Alright! Chapter 3 has been released. Chapter 4 will be here soon!


	4. Eat my Rasenshuriken!

Woo! Chapter 4 of Nidaime Ero-sennin has been released! The Genin test... I wonder if Sasuke failed. Read on to find out!

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Masashi Kishimoto does.

_The birthplace of awesomeness... I mean Shisui's room:_

Shisui smiled at the kid he was in charge of. "So what do you think of your Genin team?"

Sasuke scowled. "I got two of my worst fan-girls on my team. Haruno and Yamanaka are both completely useless. And the fact that my sensei is completely stupid doesn't help either."

Shisui frowned. "Oh? And who's your sensei?"

Sasuke sighed. "Some retard called Naruto Namikaze."

Shisui shook his head. "You're an idiot, Sasuke. You get the Yondaime's daughter and Konoha's strongest Jounin as your teacher and all you can say is that she's a retard?"

Sasuke had no answer to that.

"If you think she's stupid, then you are even stupider than you claim she is." Shisui explained. "Many Shinobi have a quirk to help them deal with some of the horrors of our profession. Maybe that's hers."

Sasuke nodded and stood up to leave. What Shisui said required some time to think about.

"Maybe what you say is true." Sasuke said before leaving. "But until she proves you right, I won't get my hopes up."

Shisui sighed as he watched his distant cousin leave.

_Entrance to the Texas Slaughterhouse... I mean Uchiha District gates, 7:00 pm:_

Sakura scowled as she watched her supposed sensei stroll casually through the gate of 'her' Sasuke-kun's home. _Who does that bitch think she is? If she's trying to steal Sasuke-kun from me, I'll show her._

From a different vantage point, Ino watched Naruto with surprise. _Only Uchiha clan members are allowed there, otherwise it would be trespassing. What's she up to?_

Sasuke scowled as he saw his sensei approach him. "Oi, baka, you're not allowed to be here. This is private property of the Uchiha!" He frowned when Naruto walked right past him, pretending she didn't see him. "Baka, answer me when I talk to you."

Naruto scoffed, not even bothering to turn to him. "Dumbass. You're not even worth my time right now."

Sasuke gritted his teeth. "I am an Uchiha! You will show me respect!"

Naruto laughed at that. "And I'm the Yondaime's daughter, but you treat me like crap. Talk to me again when your family figures out how to defeat demons."

The conversation continued on until they reached the birthplace of awesomeness. (See above for reference.)

"Hey, you can't go in there, that's the Clan head's quarters." Sasuke said, trying to pull Naruto back. Unsuccessfully.

Naruto stuck her head in. "Shisui-kun, ready to go?"

Shisui nodded. "Yep, I'm all done here. Let's go, Naruto-chan."

Sasuke stared in shock as Naruto and Shisui walked past him and headed out of the Uchiha district. Unbidden, a memory of earlier sprang to his mind. _Please, who'd ever date a baka like you? You'd be surprised._

Sasuke looked at the disappearing duo. "No... way..."

_Home away from home... I mean training ground 7: _

"Alright, listen up." Naruto clapped her hands, getting everyone's attention. "The purpose of this test is simple." She held up two bells. "By noon, you have to take those bells from me."

"But there are only two bells there." Sakura pointed out.

"Thank you, you can count to two." Naruto smirked. "Whoever doesn't get a bell doesn't get lunch. If I'm feeling generous, after lunch I'll give you a second chance. Be careful though, if you don't get a bell you fail and go back to the Academy."

Naruto smiled and tied the two bells to her belt. Sasuke sneered.

"You know, Shisui said that you're Konoha's strongest Jounin. Prove it!"

Naruto sweatdropped. "If I used my strongest jutsu right now, it would kill you all instantly. I don't think you want that."

Sakura scoffed. "Yeah right, like you could do it. Please, I'll take you down in no time." And with these words Sakura charged at Naruto.

Slap.

Sasuke and Ino watched in surprise as a single hit sent Sakura flying several meters behind them. Naruto sighed. "Proof enough for ya?"

Sasuke laughed. "Haruno is too pathetic to even begin to pose a threat. Let's see how you do against an Uchiha, the elite." And he rushed towards her.

Slap.

Ino sighed as Sasuke flew right by her and landed next to Sakura.

"You know, right now Ino has the best chance of passing my test." Naruto smiled. "At least she has enough common sense to not charge a Jounin head on. Ok, 3...2...1... begin!"

Immediately, the three Genin jumped away from the clearing.

* * *

><p>Sakura watched her sensei sit in the clearing in a relaxed position and scowled. This idiot, this... weakling dared hit Sasuke-kun. Oh, she was going to make the bitch pay!<p>

"Psst, Sakura."

Turning around, expecting to see Ino, Sakura grumbled. "What?"

Naruto smirked and muttered a jutsu name, before disappearing. The next thing Sakura saw was Sasuke.

And he was kissing what appeared to be a Hyuuga. A male Hyuuga.

Sakura screamed and fainted from the horror.

Outside of the Genjutsu, one of the only two she knew, Naruto smirked. "Guess I overdid it. Now then... where is Sasuke?"

* * *

><p>Sasuke frowned as he tried to analyze his opponent. She was definitely in the same place since the test started, but on the other hand something obviously happened to Sakura, based on that scream. Sasuke smirked and threw several shuriken at the meditating Jounin, frowning in surprise when they hit her. Surprise turned to shock when the girl turned into a log.<p>

"Hey, Sasuke." Came from behind him. The Uchiha immediately jumped away and landed in the clearing.

"I'm not like the other two weaklings." he commented, watching his sensei land smugly a few meters away from him.

"Say that after you get a bell, Sasuke." Naruto mocked him before reaching into her weapon pouch. Sasuke tensed when Naruto pulled out... a bright orange book and stuck her nose in it.

Sasuke growled at the audacity that girl had. How dare she ignore him like that? The enraged Uchiha made several hand seals and breathed in. Naruto smiled at something in the book.

"Katon: Goukakyū no Jutsu!" Sasuke yelled inside his mind, as he sent a huge fireball at Naruto. Said girl smirked and made a single hand seal. "Kage Bunshin no Jutsu."

The clone Naruto wasted no time in throwing the real Naruto over the fireball, where she sped through another set of hand signs. "Fūton: Reppūshō." She said, clapping her hands together.

The gust of wind that hit him was enough to render him unconscious. The last thing he saw before blacking out was another clone dragging a knocked out Ino to the original sensei.

* * *

><p>"Wakey, wakey, Sasuke." A voice sang. "We're all waiting for you."<p>

Sasuke opened his eyes slowly. Feeling the hard wood of one of the posts, he sat up and looked around. To his right was Sakura, tied to the middle post, and Ino sitting on the other side. Naruto was in front of the three of them, several meters away.

"The good news is, none of you are going back to the Academy." Naruto announced, bringing smiles to the three pre-Genin. "That's right. The three of you... should just quit as ninja!"

Sasuke scowled and jumped at Naruto with a kunai. One move later and Naruto had him in a choke-hold under her foot. "You think being ninja is a game to play? I'll show you.. Yamanaka! Kill Haruno or watch your precious Sasuke die!"

Naruto sighed and threw Sasuke back towards his teammates. "You three wouldn't last a second in the real world. Fun's over, kiddies. You need to start using whatever you have in those heads of yours. Did you really think you could beat a Jounin by yourselves?"

Getting no response Naruto continued. "The test was supposed to make you three work together. Only by showing teamwork and trusting each other did you stand a chance of getting a bell." Naruto threw Sasuke and Ino lunch boxes, then tossed one at Sakura's feet. "Take a break. Eat your lunches, but don't give Sakura anything or untie her. After lunch I'll let you try again." And Naruto disappeared in a whirl of leaves.

Sasuke sighed and pushed his lunch towards Sakura. "Here. If you don't eat anything, you'll be too weak to be of any use when we try again. Not that you are of any use right now."

Sakura frowned. "Um, Sasuke-kun, would you... feed me? I kind of can't move." She gaped in surprise when a pair of chopsticks appeared in front of her face.

"Here." Ino said, holding out food. "I actually ate this morning, so you're at a disadvantage." Sakura leaned forward and started chewing.

"Fūton: Rasenshuriken!" An angry voice yelled as a large shuriken made of dense wind chakra flew towards them. Sasuke and Sakura gaped at the unfamiliar jutsu, while Ino gulped. "Um, guys?"

"Yes?"

"You do know the Crater Training Ground, don't you?"

Sasuke nodded. "Yeah. It was the talk of the town yesterday, when the entire field somehow got turned into a huge crater."

Ino pointed at the rapidly approaching Rasenshuriken. "_That's _why it became a crater." Sasuke stared at the thing in horror, while warm liquid trickled down Sakura's leg. _Oh Kami, we're gonna die!_

Just before it him them, the Rasenshuriken turned into Naruto in a puff of smoke. "Congratulations, you three pass!" The girl announced cheerfully.

Sasuke summed up their thoughts in one word. "Huh?"

Naruto sighed. "You three did exactly what I'd hoped you would do. You broke the rules set by a superior in order to help out your comrades. As my niisan always says, those who break the rules are scum, but those who abandon their teammates are worse than scum. I'm glad to see you guys aren't worse than scum."

Naruto smiled. "Congratulations, as of now you three are Genin of Team 7. Meet me here tomorrow at ten for our first assignment." Naruto smirked and walked away. "See you guys."

Sasuke and Ino smiled with a sense of accomplishments and headed home to brag, leaving Sakura tied to the training post. The girl hung there for six hours before her concerned mother came to check why her child wasn't home for dinner.

AN: Alright! I know there wasn't much humor, but chapter 4 is here. Chapter 5 will appear shortly!


	5. The C rank from hell

OK! Chapter 5 of Nidaime Ero-sennin has arrived! Missions of a certain C-rank...oh Kami, Tora's dead!

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Masashi Kishimoto does.

_Two weeks later, at the plains of Azeroth... I mean Konoha forest:_

"This is Fem-perv, do you have a read on the target?"

"This is Psycho. Yes, sensei, I see it."

"Duck-butt here. Target visible. I hate you."

"Flower here. I can see it. Don't insult Sasuke-kun, baka."

Naruto frowned. "Ok. Go!"

Sounds of scuffle, explosions, and squawking chickens could be heard in the radio earpiece. Naruto sighed as she heard Sakura scream. "Guess I have to go after the thing myself again." A psychotic grin appeared on her face. "Time to test my new jutsu."

* * *

><p>Ino had just finished tending to her injuries when she heard her sensei shout. "Senpou: Rasenshuriken Nisen Rendan!"<p>

"Sage Art: Rasenshuriken 2-K Barrage?" Ino wondered out loud and shrugged. "Guess the thing's dead now."

Much to her surprise, Naruto's voice spoke through the earpieces of her team. "Mission: capture Tora, success."

* * *

><p>The Sandaime and Iruka stared in something akin to shock when Tora rushed into the room and jumped straight into her owner's arms. The lady didn't notice the look of pure fear on the cat as she commenced her rather enthusiastic petting. Iruka nearly fainted when he saw the cat visibly relax.<p>

Tora sighed in contentment. She was safe. The blond monster and the spinning wind stars of doom couldn't get her now.

"Ok, mission complete." The Sandaime said, breaking out of his stupor. "Now, your next mission can be cleaning gutters, helping Kuboro-san paint his house, or walk the Inuzuka dogs."

Naruto smiled sweetly. "Jiisan, unless you want a Rasenshuriken enema, you'll give us a C-rank mission."

Iruka shot up from his desk. "Naruto, you can't talk to Hokage-sama that way! Apologize now and..."

Naruto turned to the Chūnin, still sporting that same creepy smile. "Iruka, shut up... or I'll kill you."

Somewhere in Kirigakure, Mei Terumi sneezed.

Sarutobi smiled. "Alright, if you think you guys are ready, I'll give you a C-rank escort mission. Send the client in."

The door opened and an old guy wearing glasses and carrying a sake bottle walked into the room. He looked over he group of four and snorted.

"Are you kidding me? That's who I get to escort me? The blond looks fairly competent, but come on. A bunch of kids? What could they possibly do?"

Naruto got a scary grin on her face. "Can I Rasenshuriken him, Jiisan?"

The Sandaime sighed. "No, Naruto, you can't kill the client."

Sakura butted in. "Yeah, baka! You can't solve all of your problems by throwing chakra around. Besides, Sasuke-kun can totally protect the guy!"

Naruto stared at Sakura for a moment, before she extended her hand and chakra started swirling in it. "Rasen..."

_Gates to hell... I mean Konoha main entrance, one hour later:_

A severely shaken Tazuna and an unusually quiet Sakura were waiting next to Sasuke and Ino for the team leader. Tazuna looked at the rather large hole in the side of the Hokage tower and took a swig of sake from his bottle. If the Jonin in charge of his escort could do something like that, he'll be safe no problem. Right?

The tension was somewhat broken when Naruto approached them. "Alright, let's go. I can't wait to be out of the village!"

Ino sighed and followed her sensei as the other blond walked right past them without stopping.

_The road of life... I mean path to Nami no Kuni:_

"So, Tazuna-san, are there any shinobi in Nami?" Sakura asked the bridge builder. Naruto scoffed.

"Yes, in fact there are entire battalions of shinobi waiting at beck and call for anything that might pop up." She said mockingly.

Sakura looked at her in surprise. "Really?" Tazuna sighed at the girl's stupidity.

"No, not really!" Naruto shouted. "Why do you think Tazuna-san hired us for? It's because his village doesn't have any ninja!" Sakura glared at her sensei.

The talking and bickering continued as the group walked on. Nobody noticed the extremely random and out-of-place puddle as they passed right next to it. Before anyone could react, Naruto was torn to shreds by a spiked chain that came out from the puddle. Before their eyes, two ninja clad in black and with Kirigakure headbands jumped out of it. "One down." One of them commented.

Sakura stood in front of Tazuna with a kunai drawn, while Sasuke and Ino engaged the two attackers.

"Katon: Goukakyū no Jutsu!" Sasuke thought as he breathed out a huge fireball at his opponent.

Ino smirked as she made a single sign. "Suiton: Teppōdama!"

Sakura gaped in shock as her rival used a jutsu she'd never heard of and blasted one of the enemies into a nearby tree with a small, but clearly powerful ball of water. She was so surprised that she missed Sasuke kick the other guy in the head and knock him out.

Naruto jumped down from a nearby tree. The Genin and Tazuna stared at her in surprise, before noticing that the chain had carved up a log.

"Great job, team." Naruto smiled as she looked at her students. "Sasuke, nice fireball there. Ino, congratulations on perfecting the jutsu I taught you. Sakura... um, good job on being there, I guess."

Sakura and Sasuke scowled before turning to Ino. "Oi, Yamanaka. Tell me what that jutsu was!" Sasuke demanded.

"Yeah!" Sakura chimed in. "How come you know something like that and Sasuke-kun doesn't?"

"Because Ino is the only one out of you three who knows what my job as sensei entails." Naruto said from behind them. "She came to me after I passed you guys and asked for some training. After we found out that she has a water affinity, I gave her that jutsu to learn." Naruto smiled. "Great job, Ino-chan. Once we get to Tazuna's, I'll show you a new Suiton jutsu."

Sasuke glared at Naruto. "Teach me that, baka!" he demanded.

Naruto wagged a finger. "Nah-uh. It's either 'teach me' or 'baka'. You don't get to both insult me and force me for stuff, it's either one or the other." Sasuke looked like he swallowed something sour.

"Fine." He finally ground out. "Teach me that, sensei."

Naruto frowned. "Are you an idiot? You and your clan specialize in fire jutsu, what makes you think you can master Suiton techniques? And I'm sorry, but I don't know any Katon jutsu to teach you. You'll have to wait until we're back in Konoha and I can find something."

Sakura turned red. "Baka! How dare you deny Sasuke-kun the jutsu he deserves!"

Naruto sighed before taking out a paper with a seal on it and sticking it to Sakura's rather large forehead. As the other three watched, she channeled some chakra into the paper and the seal faded into Sakura's forehead. Satisfied, Naruto threw the blank paper away.

"There." She smirked. "I've sealed your chakra away and it will stay that way until I decide to unseal it." Naruto frowned. "I am your sensei, Haruno. Until you figure out that it means _I'm _the one in charge and _I_ make the decisions here, I won't be taking that seal off. Understand?"

Sakura bristled, but nodded, somehow realizing that saying anything would make the situation worse. Naruto got a scowl on her face as she turned to the bridge builder, who was doing his best to turn invisible.

"Now, Tazuna-san." She began in a low and angry tone. "Care to explain what's going on?"

AN: Ok, chapter 5 is up. Again, not much humor, but just wait for chapter 6! (Coming soon.)


	6. Jeez Zabuza, you smell!

OK! Chapter 6 of Nidaime Ero-sennin has arrived!

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Masashi Kishimoto does.

_The Swamp of the Underworld... I mean Nami no Kuni:_

Sasuke watched his sensei's back in amazement as the weary blond Namikaze used her fellow blond's shoulder as a crutch to help her walk. His mind flashed back to the battle they had recently and he finally believed Shisui with what he told the boy.

_You knew this was coming... flashback:_

"So it's settled." Naruto smiled and stood up. "Tazuna-san, my Genin have decided to continue the mission. We'll watch over you until the bridge has been completed."

The next several minutes passed in silence, that is until the group heard a weird whistling noise approaching them at a fast rate. Naruto recognized it first.

"Everyone get down!" She yelled, pulling Ino and Tazuna to the ground with her. Sasuke and Sakura ducked too, just in time to avoid the huge blade that embedded itself in a nearby tree.

The team looked up at the sword as a rather large man landed on the handle and glared down at them. "Ero-sennin Namikaze. What a surprise to see you here. How the hell did the drunk afford you?"

Sasuke frowned in confusion. "How do you know our sensei?"

The swordsman gave Sasuke a disbelieving look as he threw a book at the boy. "That's a Bingo Book. Look her up."

Sasuke frowned some more and opened the book to 'N', while Sakura and Ino looked on over his shoulders.

_Naruto Namikaze_

_Age: 12_

_Gender: Female_

_Alias: Nidaime Ero-sennin_

_Rank: SS - Jounin_

_Characteristics/behavior: Namikaze has long blond hair that reaches her waist and blue eyes. She wears a red robe with black flames at the bottom, which denotes her status as a Toad Sage. She acts relaxed and goofy all the time, and is known for being a bigger pervert than Jiraiya of the Sannin, her teacher and the first 'Ero-sennin'._

_Jutsu known:__ Namikaze is a master of Fūton techniques, which she has a affinity for. She also knows an array of Suiton and Doton jutsu, as well as Kage Bunshin and her own invention, the Eroton (Perv Release), created as a joke but surprisingly effective, which she uses when not fighting seriously. Notable jutsu include: Kage Bunshin, Rasengan, Fūton: Rasenshuriken, Kokuangyo no Jutsu, and another self-created jutsu, Magen:__Saitei no akumu, which shows the target's worst fear._

_Advised action:__ Crap your pants and flee on sight._

The three Genin stared at their teacher in shock. They had no idea she was that strong. And what the hell was SS status? Was that even possible?

Naruto smirked as she stared down their attacker. "And you're Zabuza Momochi, the self-proclaimed Demon of the Mist. Look at you, reduced to being a petty thug for a slimy midget."

Zabuza growled. "I'll show you, girlie." And he jumped at her with his sword ready to strike.

Naruto smiled as she weaved and danced around his attacks, drawing him away from the others. "You guys. Surround and protect Tazuna!" The three Genin leapt to the bridge builder and braced themselves.

Naruto smirked and ran through a couple of hand signs. "Eroton: Oiroke no Jutsu!" She yelled. The entire audience stared in shock as Naruto transformed into a busty completely naked lady (yes, there's no smoke). Zabuza took one look and shot back with a nosebleed.

"I commend you on your self-restraint." Naruto remarked, as the man ripped off his face-mask to breathe. "Most men who see that either fly way further or drop unconscious on the spot. You seem tougher, so take this! Eroton: Shounen-ai no Jutsu!"

Zabuza fainted in disgust when visions of his two fellow Kiri swordsmen doing extremely inappropriate things to each other assaulted his mind. The fake hunter-nin hidden nearby nearly pissed herself laughing.

Naruto smirked and waved her team over. "Come on, guys. Threat neutralized." She was proven wrong when a miraculously conscious Zabuza kicked her savagely towards the water. Before she could regain her bearings, Zabuza was on her. "Suiton: Suiro no Jutsu!" The enraged nuke-nin yelled.

Team 7 got looks of shock when they saw their sensei trapped in a dome of water and unable to move. The shock turned to fear and then resolve when Zabuza made a single sign and several Mizu Bunshin appeared around them.

Sasuke took one look at his meditating sensei and smirked. Now was his chance to show everyone the power of the Uchiha. Now if only he had a plan... which presented itself in the form of a Fuuma Shuriken.

Zabuza smirked and easily dodged the throwing star, rendering Sasuke's actions pointless. Ino smirked, however, as she realized that the man was now rooted to the spot while keeping Naruto trapped. "Shintenshin no Jutsu!" she muttered and felt herself collapse. Zabuza broke her hold in less than two seconds, but it was enough. She had already pulled his hand out of the water sphere, causing it to collapse.

Zabuza turned to fight the now freed blond Jounin and froze as she opened her eyes. She now had horizontal bars in her eyes and orange rims around them. Zabuza paled, realizing what just happened, and proceeded to do exactly what the Bingo Book advised people to do. Having stained his pants and the water, the man disappeared at Hiraishin-esque speeds with a Rasenshuriken chasing him.

"Nice job, Ino." Naruto smiled, before swaying. "Now help me walk, Sage Mode takes a lot out of me."

_End of longest flashback ever._

_Santa's house... I mean Tazuna's home:_

A worried woman opened the door to her house and looked at the group of five smiling at her. There was a blond girl supporting another blond girl, an emo-looking boy who glared at everything, and a freak-haired girl fawning over the brooding guy. Her father stood behind the four kids.

"Hey, everyone, this is my daughter Tsunami. Tsunami, these are the super-awesome ninja I hired to help us."

"Pleasure to meet you, Tsunami-san." The weakened blond spoke. "I'm Naruto, the Jounin in charge here, and these guys are my Genin team, Sasuke, Sakura, and Ino."

The three called-out Genin bowed to the woman. "Pleasure to meet you, Tsunami-san." The brunette smiled and waved the group in. "Come on in, I just made dinner. There's enough for everyone."

_Wave gourmet kitchen... I mean at the dinner table:_

Inari stared in anger and contempt at the group of Konoha shinobi and kunoichi. What they were thinking, laughing and eating without caring about the fact that they will all die. After several more minutes of merrymaking, he exploded. Figuratively speaking, that is.

"Why are you so careless?" The boy shouted, drawing everyone's attention. "You will all die. No one can stand up to Gato!"

Naruto sighed. "Kid, you seem to think you have it bad." Ignoring his sneer she continued. "Tell me your sob story and I'll show you that you're wrong."

_One sob story later:_

Every Konoha-nin stared at the boy in ill-hidden contempt and disgust. "That's all? Your father died and you rolled over to die? That's really it?" Naruto sighed and started listing off.

"Sasuke lost his entire family, but look at him. He's still here, he's still strong, and one day he'll bring the murderer to justice."

She pointed at Sakura and Ino. "These two still have their families. However, Sakura is the first in her family to take on the kunoichi lifestyle, so it is all new to her and often she doesn't know what to do. But she didn't give up, she's still going, and that is commendable." Sakura started to puff up with pride until Ino stepped in. "It's only been about two weeks, sensei."

"Point." Naruto conceded. "Bad example. Look at Ino though. Her father is one of Konoha's best interrogators. You know what Ino's goal is? She wants to surpass her father and she is working hard to achieve it. She comes to me constantly for help and seeks to better herself, because she wants to be greater that her dad."

Inari glared at her. "And you?" He asked rudely.

"Me?" Naruto frowned. "Do you know your mother?" Nod. "Do you know your grandfather?" Another nod. "Good for you. I didn't know who my parents were until I was six and you know why? Because they both died the same day I was born. But you know what else I found out when I learned about them? I was told that because of who my father was, I have to constantly watch my back if I don't want to be assassinated." She scowled. "Beat that, kid."

Tazuna nodded. "She's right, Inari. Besides, you know how powerful she is? On our way here, we bumped into Gato's mercenary and he ran away leaving the smell of urine behind him. You know why? Because of her." He motioned to Naruto. "She simply _looked_ at him and he fled."

Inari stared at Naruto in wonder. _Maybe they really can do it?_

_The next day, in the Garden of Eden... I mean behind Tazuna's house:_

"Ok, you three, since we don't know when Zabuza will come back, we need to be prepared." Naruto announced. "What I'm about to show you will help perfect your chakra control and allow you to use any jutsu." This got the team's attention.

"Alright, listen up." Naruto smirked. "What you have to do is... climb trees."

The Genin stared at her. "But we already know how to do that."

"Ah, my mistake. I meant without your hands."

Sakura scoffed. "That's impossible."

"I beg to differ." Naruto said simply as she walked up the tree and back down. "Simply channel your chakra through your feet and walk up. Mark your progress with kunai." She touched Sakura's forehead, causing the seal from before to break. "There, you're all set."

Sasuke turned to his tree and scowled. _I must perfect this. _His first attempt went miserably, however, as he took three steps up the trunk before falling off. He looked around, expecting to see the others on the ground too.

"This is easy." Sakura shouted from the top of her tree. Ino gave a thumbs up from her tree-top.

Naruto smiled. "Ok, Ino, come with me and I'll show you a new Suiton jutsu."

Sakura scowled. "Hey, what about me? I got this too."

Naruto shook her head before forming a Rasengan. "This is how much chakra you have, Sakura. Doing this jutsu would possibly drain and kill you. Sasuke could do this one, but he'd be out for a few hours." The Rasengan expanded to an Odama Rasengan, then after a few seconds grew until it was larger than Naruto. "And Ino could do this, and still stay in the fight. Frankly, this is the most chakra I've ever seen in a Genin kunoichi. Apart from me, of course. Combine that with the control she has, and I think that Ino is meant for great things in her future."

She started walking away and Ino followed. "Now then, the jutsu I'll show you..."

Sasuke snarled and turned to his tree. _How can that girl be better than me, an Uchiha? I need that power to defeat Itachi!_

AN: Chapter 6 reporting! Chapter 7 is on its way!


	7. Most Boring Non filler Ever!

Rejoice, everyone! Your savior... ahem, I mean chapter 7 is here! Bask in its awesome glory!

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Masashi Kishimoto does.

_Two days later, in the Garden of Eden... I mean behind Tazuna's house:_

Naruto and Ino entered the clearing together, both laughing at something Ino had apparently said earlier. Sasuke and Sakura glared at them from the trees they were practicing climbing.

"Anyway, Ino-chan, great job on that jutsu!" Naruto commented. "You got it down in two days, even faster than me! Keep that up and I'll teach you one of my favorites soon." This was the last straw for Sasuke.

"Oi, Yamanaka!" He barked, jumping off his tree and landing before them, followed by Sakura. "Fight me!" Ino glanced at Naruto, who smirked and nodded.

"This is a friendly spar, understand?" Naruto warned. "You can use jutsu, but if you use lethal force, you will be punished later, is that clear?" Both fighters nodded. "Alright then, let's see what you both can do."

Sasuke immediately leapt at Ino and engaged her in a Taijutsu fight. To his surprise, Ino was able to hold her own against him, even getting a few hits of her own through his guard. _How is she this good? She couldn't do any of this in the Academy!_

Sasuke jumped back and breathed in. "Katon: Gōkakyū no Jutsu!"

Ino smirked and made a single hand sign. "Suiton: Teppōdama!"

The two attacks collided in mid-air and canceled each other out in a cloud of steam. Sasuke frowned and flashed through another set of seals. "Katon: Hōsenka no Jutsu!" _Dodge this!_

Ino frowned and looked at her teacher, who gave a nod while wearing a similar frown. _I don't think this is a spar anymore._ "Suiton: Suijinheki!" The Yamanaka yelled, making several signs, before blowing out a huge volume of water around herself.

Sasuke saw red. As the fireballs dissipated and steam covered the field, he drew several rigged shuriken and threw them around Ino, then pulled on the metal wire, tying her to a tree.

"You won't get away from this!" Sasuke yelled with a mad look in his eyes. "Katon: Ryūka no Jutsu!" He yelled before sending a stream of fire down the metal at Ino.

Naruto jumped up and landed on the wire, going through several hand seals of her own. "Suiton: Suiryūdan no Jutsu!" The enraged Jounin yelled, sending a huge dragon made of water down the cable, extinguishing the fire and charging at Sasuke. The Uchiha didn't even manage to start running before the water hit him and knocked him out.

"Why did you do that to Sasuke-kun?" Sakura yelled in horror. Naruto gave her a glare as she untied Ino. "Because, Sakura, in case you are completely blind and stupid and didn't notice, he almost killed your teammate in what I said was a sparring match." Naruto sighed. "Sasuke needs to understand that he is not above the law and that there is _always _someone more powerful. If he doesn't shape up, I can still send him back to the Academy." She raised her hand as Sakura opened her mouth. "I can do the same to you, so think before you say anything."

Naruto turned around and motioned for her two conscious Genin to follow her. "Leave Sasuke there for now. It's not smart to move a concussed person."

_Sometime later:_

A person of questionable gender slowly approached Sasuke's unmoving form. Of course, upon seeing the body of the Uchiha, the first thing the person did was jump up and down in manic glee.

"Yes! The emo is dead!"

Unfortunately, that woke Sasuke up.

"Oh, my head." The Uchiha moaned as he rubbed his chicken-butt hair. "What happened?"

The newcomer sighed in disappointment, but walked up to him. "I found you like this. You shouldn't sleep like this, you'll catch a cold."

Sasuke scoffed. "Whatever. I have to train so I'll get stronger."

The person's head tilted. "Oh? Do you have someone precious you wish to protect?"

Sasuke sneered. "That's a waste of my time. The only way to gain strength is to hate."

The person sighed. "Haters gonna hate. Anyway, I'm Haku."

Sasuke stared at Haku for a few seconds, but didn't answer. Seeing that, Haku frowned and starting walking away. "By the way, in case you were wondering, I'm a girl."

Sasuke nodded. "I know." Haku stared at him in surprise.

"You didn't zip up your fly." Sasuke elaborated. "Both your thong and your lack of a penis are highly visible." Somewhere under Konoha, Sai sneezed.

Haku blushed and ran away. A few minutes away, Naruto walked up from the other direction. "Oi, Sasuke. Stop that creepy smirking and come on, dinner's ready."

_Wave gourmet kitchen... I mean at the dinner table:_

The group of seven all looked at the door when the bell rang. Naruto slipped in her Sage Mode and frowned. "I sense two hostile, but extremely small chakra pools outside the door. Probably just two of Gato's goons." Naruto stood up. "You guys just stay here. Don't let the screams bother you." And she walked outside.

Tsunami looked at the Genin. "What screams?" On cue, two male voices started shouting at the top of their lungs.

Voice #1: HEEEELP!

Voice #2: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Naruto's voice: This is fun!

Voice #2: THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BEND THAT WAY!

Voice #1: SWORDS AREN'T MEANT TO BE ANAL PROBES!

Naruto's voice: They actually make anal probes now?

Voice #1: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!

Back inside, Sakura sighed. "Why am I not surprised that she got excited about that?"

After a few minutes of screams, Naruto walked back in and resumed dinner. "I just found out something very interesting."

"We know." The entire group deadpanned.

AN: Chapter 7 is here! Expect chapter 8 momentarily! (That means tomorrow.)


	8. Enough with the needles, Ino!

Technically I'm not lat, because I released chapter 7 at 1 in the morning, so that gave me an almost 48-hour window for releasing this chapter. Anyway, enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Masashi Kishimoto does.

_The next day, on the walk of shame... I mean way to Tazuna's bridge:_

_They ditched me! _Sasuke yelled inside his mind, as he raced towards the bridge. _That idiot sensei and those two useless girls ditched me! _He grit his teeth as he sped up, hoping to at least get a good fight today.

_Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom... I mean on the bridge:_

"Soooooo...?"

"Yeah."

"Uh-huh."

"No one's here."

"Definitely."

"Think Zabuza got to them?"

"Must have."

A low chuckle came from the mist in front of them. "Ah, so you finally figured it out." The swordsman's voice was heard, before he and a masked nin appeared before them. Naruto frowned and stood still for a moment, before her Sage Mode activated.

"Ah, so I get to see those eyes already?" Zabuza laughed. "I'm honored, Namikaze." He looked at the Genin behind Naruto. "Haku, why don't you trim their numbers a bit? I'll handle perv-girl here."

Haku nodded and flipped the two Genin girls off, causing them to irrationally charge after her in anger and make her eat her insult.

Naruto sighed. "They still need to work on their temper." She looked at the Kiri nuke-nin. "Shall we?" She asked, stepping into a Taijutsu stance.

"Let's." Zabuza agreed, charging at her with his sword in hand.

_With the Genin:_

"Have no fear, Sasuke Uchiha is here!" Sasuke yelled, appearing in front of the two girls. Haku smirked as she tossed a single needle in the boy's nut sack, causing him to squeal like a little girl and pass out.

Ino and Haku both sighed and face-palmed as Sakura carefully pulled the needle out and dropped it into a clear plastic box that she got out of nowhere. Ino looked pleadingly at Haku. "Please knock her out too."

Ino winced when Haku's 'Sensatsu Suishō' flew at Sakura, but marveled at the usefulness of the attack when the few hundred water needles sent Sakura to dreamland almost instantaneously. "Can you teach me that?"

Haku shrugged. "Sure. Ok, now the hand seals are..."

_With Naruto:_

"Stop dodging!" Zabuza yelled in anger as Naruto weaved past another lethal strike.

Naruto smirked. "Ok." Zabuza stared in surprise as on his next attack, the girl jumped on his sword and stuck there.

"Argh!" Zabuza yelled as he shook the sword frantically. "Get off!"

Naruto pouted. "Make up your mind, will ya?"

_With Ino and Haku:_

Haku nodded. "Ok, now let's see you try." She instructed, forming a thin ice mirror. "This will repair itself after every volley. I'll deem your jutsu worthy once it tears this mirror to shreds."

Ino smirked and made several one-handed seals. "Sensatsu Suishō!" The Yamanaka yelled.

Haku stared in shock as the mirror was instantly obliterated by Ino's very first use of the jutsu. Composing herself, the ice user smiled. "You must have a very strong water affinity, Ino-chan!" Ino smiled and nodded before a thought struck her. "Weren't we supposed to be fighting or something?"

Haku shrugged. "Oh yeah, forgot about that. Tell you what, I'm interested in what you can do. I'll give you a free first shot."

Ino smirked evilly. "You asked for it." She made an unfamiliar hand sign. "Shintenshin no Jutsu!"

Haku stood still, curious to what the jutsu would do, which is pretty much the worst possible thing one can do when fighting a Yamanaka. A few seconds later, Haku slumped slightly before recovering.

"Huh, it worked." Ino-Haku remarked, looking down at her hands, then at Ino's still form. "Let's see how sensei's doing."

_With Naruto:_

Zabuza sighed in relief when Naruto's Sage Mode wore off and the girl finally got off his sword (leave a review if you know the double meaning here), but that relief was short-lived when he saw Naruto make a set of hand signs he recognized as commonly used by ANBU or hunter-nin.

Naruto grinned as she finished. "Raiton: Shichū Shibari!" She yelled before falling to one knee, tired from the chakra drain.

Four pillars rose out from the bridge around Zabuza and the man gritted his teeth when lighting flowed between them, paralyzing him. Despite his pain and imminent death, the man smirked.

"Look at yourself, Namikaze. You're almost as helpless as I am right now. The great Ero-sennin, worn down after one jutsu? That's pathetic." Zabuza sneered.

"It's not easy for me to perform Raiton jutsu." Naruto panted. "Because Fūton beats Raiton, I waste a lot of chakra on Raiton jutsu, due to my wind affinity. This is actually the only Raiton jutsu I know." Naruto gave a smirk of her own as she straightened up. "And now it's time to end this." Naruto held out her hand. "Fūton: Rasenshuriken!"

The man screamed as the technique turned both him and his sword to dust.

* * *

><p>Ino walked up, supporting a somewhat weakened Haku. "I think Zabuza's dead." She pointed to her left. "See, there's some Zabuza over there."<p>

Haku looked in the opposite direction. "There's also some Zabuza floating around over there."

The sound of a cane rapping against stone drew the attention of all the conscious/unvaporized kunoichi. Gato smirked as he came closer. "Heh, looks like Zabuza couldn't handle a bunch of girls." The short man sneered. "Pathetic."

Naruto smirked. "Hey, fat-ass! You got some Zabuza on your face!" The three cracked up laughing. (Again, review if you caught the double meaning.)

One of the thugs leaned over to Gato nervously. "Um, boss, I think that's Ero-sennin Namikaze." Gato paled.

"Anyone who gets me Namikaze's head is set for life!" Gato yelled.

"Sensatsu Suishō!"

Haku sighed as the short man fell over, dead because of a thousand water needles belonging to Ino riddling him through. "You're never gonna stop doing that, are you?"

"Nope!" Ino replied cheerfully.

The thugs began to surge forward, until a few hundred Naruto clones surrounded them. The original smiled as she stepped forward.

"This technique is the ultimate crowd destroyer." The girl smirked as she held out her hand. "Fūton: Kaze no Yaiba Rasengan!" The wind-natured Rasengan exploded outward in blades of wind, shredding all the thugs into tiny pieces.

"Congratulations, Ino-chan." Naruto smiled at her favorite student. "You're like a sponge. Literally. You soak up Suiton jutsu like they're nothing. I think you're more than ready for... the Suiryūdan."

Naruto got an evil smirk on her face as she turned to Haku. "And as for you... oh, I know exactly what to do with you." Haku shivered.

_Two days later,at the annual sin meeting... I mean Team 10 training ground:_

Asuma smiled as he motioned to the two boys, one eating and one sleeping. "Haku, those are your new teammates, Shikamaru and Chouji."

Haku stared at them for a moment. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

AN: Chapter 8 has arrived! Chapter 9 is on the way.


	9. Ibiki's Bitches!

Wahoo! I have released chapter 9! I am awesome!

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Masashi Kishimoto does.

_Again, a nursing home... I mean Third Hokage's office:_

The Sandaime smiled, looking over his desk at four of his subordinates. "Alright, it's that time of the year again. Do any of you wish to enter your team in the Chunin exams?"

Asuma stepped forward. "I, Asuma Sarutobi, hereby nominate Team 10 consisting of Shikamaru Nara, Chouji Akimichi, and Haku for the Chunin exams."

Gai followed Asuma's lead. "I, Maito Gai, hereby nominate Team 9 consisting of Neji Hyuuga, Rock Lee, and Tenten for the Chunin exams."

Kurenai stepped ahead. "I, Kurenai Yuhi, hereby nominate Team 8 consisting of Hinata Hyuuga, Shino Aburame, and Kiba Inuzuka for the Chunin exams."

Naruto jumped up. "Yo, Hokage-jiji, my team is ready!"

Iruka shot up. "I object, Hokage-sama! Three of those teams are rookies, barely a month out of the Academy! It's too early for them."

Naruto gave him a creepy smile. "Are you questioning my teaching ability?"

"Yes!" Iruka yelled. "There's no way those kids are ready!"

Naruto smiled as chakra started swirling in her outstretched hand.

* * *

><p>Iruka looked at the large hole in the building, before turning to Sarutobi. "I think they're ready, Hokage-sama." He said in a small voice.<p>

* * *

><p><em>Home away from home... I mean training ground 7:<em>

The three Genin looked up when their sensei appeared in a swirl of water. "Ah, Mizu Shunshin. Gotta love it. Great for pranking."

Sakura looked puzzled. "How do you prank with a Shunshin, sensei?"

Naruto smiled, before vanishing and appearing next to Sakura, drenching the other girl to the bone with the water she splashed around.

Ino nodded. "Ah, I see."

Naruto smirked at her team. "Anyway, you three. I nominated you for the Chunin exams." She handed each student a sheet of paper. "These are the application forms. Fill those out and hand them in at the Hokage tower remains."

"Rasenshuriken?"

"Rasenshuriken." Naruto nodded. "The first test will be at 11:00 on the third floor of the Academy, in room 301. Don't be late."

_The next day, at the pigsty of Konoha... I mean Academy:_

"So..."

"Yeah."

"Uh-huh."

"It would appear that the Academy second floor has magically turned into the Academy third floor."

Ino slapped Sakura upside her head. "That's a Genjutsu, you idiot. Sasuke, be a dear and show your superiority, making fools of the others in the process."

Sasuke smirked. "Drop the Genjutsu." He commanded. "This isn't the third floor."

The two 'Genin' smiled as the Genjutsu dissipated. "So you saw through it." One of them said, jumping at him. "That's not good enough!"

Sasuke's fist and the guy's foot were intercepted by a weird Genin with huge eyebrows and wearing green spandex. "Yosh!" The clearly mentally disturbed person shouted. "Kindly desist this unyouthful behavior."

Two others walked up, a Hyuuga and some girl who was typical background material. "Lee, it was your idea to hide our strength." The girl commented.

Sasuke eyed the green guy warily. "Who are you, and why are you focused on us?"

The boy gave a blinding smile. "I am Rock Lee, Konoha's handsome devil. As for why I approached you three, it's because of this fair maiden here." He turned to Sakura. "Would you accompany me on a date, miss?"

Ignoring Ino ROTFLing, Sasuke scowled. "You must me more touched in the head than I thought if you want to go out with _her._" Lee's gaze snapped to him.

"I have heard of you!" The boy proclaimed. "You are Sasuke Uchiha, the genius of the Uchiha clan. I wish to battle you!"

Sasuke smirked. "If you're so ready to lose, be my guest."

_One complete pwnage later:_

Naruto smiled as she saw her team head her way, the two girls supporting Sasuke between them. "So glad you all made it. Now, go through the door behind me, and the first exam will start shortly. Good luck, you three."

This time it was Sasuke who got splashed on Naruto's way out.

As soon as they entered, a dog jumped at them. "Hey guys, looks like you're here too!" Kiba howled. "The gang's all here! This is gonna rock!"

A silver-haired guy approached them, drawn by the commotion. "You guys are too loud. You're drawing attention to yourselves."

Ino scowled, ignoring the poor killing intent coming from the other exam takers. "Who are you?"

The guy smiled. "Ah yes, I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Kabuto Yakushi, a veteran of these exams."

Shikamaru spoke up. "So this is your second time, then?"

Kabuto shook his head. "No, it's my seventh. Anyway, I came over here to give some tips to my little underclassmen."

Kabuto pulled out a stack of cards. "These contain information of every participant in this exam. If there is someone you'd like to know about, I can tell you what their abilities are.

Sasuke smirked. "Rock Lee of Konoha."

Kabuto nodded and looked through his cards, finally pulling one out. "Here we go, Rock Lee from Konoha. His teammates are Neji Hyuuga and Tenten. He's the reported dead-last of his year due to an inability to mold chakra. Because of that, his Ninjutsu and Genjutsu are non-existent, but his Taijutsu is the highest out of all the Genin. Missions include 41 D-rank and 19 C-rank missions."

Sasuke nodded and briefly contemplated something, before turning back to the older Genin. "Do you have information on Jounin too?"

Kabuto nodded. "Some of them, why?"

"I want to ask about Naruto Namikaze, do you have her?" Ino and Sakura looked at him weirdly.

Kabuto smiled as he pulled out a card from a different stack. "Her I do have. Naruto Namikaze. Is currently the strongest shinobi in Konoha's employ, as well as the Jounin-sensei for Team 7. She excels in senjutsu and ninjutsu, and her weakest area is Genjutsu, but it is still dangerous to challenge her to a Genjutsu battle. Missions include 12 D-ranks and 1 A-rank."

"How is she a Jounin with such a poor mission record?" Kiba asked curiously.

Ino spoke up. "She's been training with Jiraiya-sama her entire life, and only came back to Konoha about a month ago. A personal recommendation from Jiraiya-sama ensured her Jounin rank upon her return."

Kabuto cleared his throat, regaining their attention. "Anyway, you guys should be careful this year, there are many tough opponents here." He pointed to three Genin with musical notes on their headbands. "Those three are from the newly formed Otogakure, so no one really knows what they're capable of."

Kabuto's eyes widened as the Oto Genin launched themselves at him, and he narrowly avoided a punch from the bandaged one. His triumph was short-lived, however, when his glasses cracked and he threw up.

In a huge cloud of smoke, a group of Chunin and Jounin appeared, with a huge scarred man wearing a black trench coat in front of them.

"Attention, everyone!" The scarred man yelled. "My name is Ibiki Morino, and for the next sixty minutes, you're all my bitches!"

AN: Chapter 9 is here! Chapter 10 is in the works.


	10. Mind Rape is Fun!

Alright! Chapter 10 is here! Rejoice, everyone!

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Masashi Kishimoto does.

_And still, a nursing home... I mean Third Hokage's office:_

Naruto looked curiously at Sarutobi. "What exactly did you want me here for, Hokage-jiji? I know for a fact that there's no important missions right now, and my team is in the Academy with Ibiki, so what's going on?"

The Sandaime smiled. "Tell me, Naruto, do you want to fulfill your dream?"

Naruto eyed him strangely. "Well, yeah. That's what dreams are for, to get people to strive and fulfill them."

The Sandaime laughed, handing Naruto a sheet of paper. "Sign this and your dream will be complete."

Naruto studied the paper carefully. The document read:

_The Hokage has found a way for you to complete your life's goal. Sign here if you want the Hokage to assist you._

Naruto looked up at Sarutobi. "What's the catch, old man?" A look of horror crossed her face. "You're not into kids, are you?"

The Sandaime blinked. "Ewww, no. No, no, no! I am not Orochimaru! No, just sign and I'll fulfill your dream for you. No strings attached."

Naruto still looked pensive, but took out a pen from somewhere under her shirt (Sarutobi didn't want to know), and wrote her name in the marked space. Hiruzen smirked.

"Congratulations, Naruto. As of now, you are the Godaime Hokage."

Naruto stared at him for a moment, before fainting.

_Five minutes later:_

Naruto shot up, with one fist in the air. "This calls for an outfit change!"

The Sandaime blinked. _That's her first action as Hokage? Seriously? Changing clothes?_

_Ten minutes later:_

Naruto walked back into her new office. "So what do you think, Jiisan?" She asked the old man, turning around slowly.

The Sandaime gaped. "You... but... that's..." He finally exploded. "You look like Shizune!" Indeed, the Godaime was now wearing a black yukata, with orange pants visible underneath, and a red Konoha headband tied like a belt around her waist. Also, during the ten minutes she was gone, she somehow managed to get her hair trimmed so that it now reached her mid-back.

Naruto sweatdropped. "I don't know who that is."

The ex-Hokage sighed. "Never mind." He thought for a moment. "I suppose the outfit will make others underestimate you, and that's useful. May I ask what you have underneath, though?"

Naruto smirked and opened her yukata, revealing... nothing except a bra.

The Sandaime valiantly suppressed a nosebleed, choosing instead to face-palm. _Great. Our new Hokage is a thirteen-year-old flasher. We. Are. Doomed._

_The pigsty of Konoha... I mean Academy:_

Ibiki chuckled as his assistants forced yet another team to leave. He looked around the remaining Genin. "OK, it's time for you all to get the last question. Now, getting this question right will automatically make you pass my test. However, if you choose not to take it, you fail now and have to try again in six months."

Kiba shot up. "Why would we want to not take it then?"

Ibiki smirked. "Because if you choose to take it and you get it wrong... then you fail and will be banned from future exams forever!"

The man gave a sadistic grin. "So, who's feeling lucky?"

Ibiki chuckled under his breath as a few more teams left._ I just loooooove mind-raping._

Looking around the room, he saw about twenty teams remaining. "Alright, I don't think anyone else is leaving. For those of you still here... you all pass!"

Ino jumped up. "What the crap? What just happened?"

Smiling at the Yamanaka's confusion, Ibiki decided to elaborate. "You see, as a Chunin, you'll often have a mission that could very well mean your or your teammates' deaths. Now the question is, if you take the mission and find yourself in a risky situation, do you risk your life for success, or do you retreat and save your life, but at the cost of failure and disgrace?"

No one had the answer to that.

"You should always risk your life, especially if the village safety is at stake." Ibiki roared, ripping his headband off at the same time. A large mass of cuts, burns, and scars was revealed. "The enemy will jump at any chance to capture you if they can. Should you get captured and interrogated, you tell the enemy nothing! The secrets of your villages are more important than your own lives! It's harsh, but that's the truth of the Shinobi world. By risking everything on the tenth question, instead of playing it safe and deciding to try again next time, you all proved that you have what it takes to be Chunin. That's why everyone here passed."

Ibiki re-tied his headband as the Genin cheered. _Wait till they get Anko's test. Speaking of which..._

A ball of black cloth burst through the window, unfurling itself and flinging kunai into four corners of the room. The stretched banner read "The Sexy and Awesome (but not as awesome as Naruto) Anko Mitarashi. Proctor of the Second exam!" A woman in a beige trench coat and purple hair appeared in front of the banner.

An Ame Genin spoke up. "Who's Naruto?" He asked, pointing at the poster.

Anko followed his finger to the banner and grit her teeth when she saw the addition. "That bitch, always screwing around with me." She muttered under her breath, much to Ibiki's amusement, before composing herself.

"Alright, kiddies, follow me!" She yelled. "To training area 44, and the second stage of the exam!" She commanded, before jumping out the way she came.

The Genin looked at each other in puzzlement, before slowly trailing out of the room.

_The residence of awesomeness... I mean Godaime's office:_

Naruto crossed her fingers under her nose. "Now then, where to begin, what to do first... I know!" She snapped her fingers and an ANBU appeared.

"Tell Danzo, Homura, and Koharu to come to my office as fast as possible." The new Godaime ordered.

"Yes, Hokage-sama!" The ANBU shouted before disappearing in a Shunshin.

Sarutobi again reconsidered his choice when maniacal laughter filled his successor's office.


	11. Spinning Wind Star of Doom!

Chapter 11 has been published. Party Time!

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Masashi Kishimoto does.

_The residence of awesomeness... I mean Godaime's office, five days later:_

Naruto looked up from her desk when Danzo entered the room. "I called for you five days ago. Where were you?

Danzo smirked. "You'd rather not know, Godaime-sama."

Naruto sighed and assumed a typical Sasuke brooder position. "Anyway, Danzo-san, I called you here to talk about your Ne forces."

Danzo blinked. "What Ne forces?" He asked innocently. Naruto glowered.

"Don't play games with me, Danzo-san." She scowled. "I know about your private army, and while I don't approve of having a military faction under my nose, I can understand your motives and why you have that force."

Danzo stared at her in surprise. "Really?"

Naruto nodded. "You can keep your drone army, Danzo-san. You can also do anything you deem necessary to aid Konoha, but if you do something that forces Konoha into a war, I'll end you myself, is that clear?"

Danzo nodded before excusing himself. On his way back to Ne headquarters he sighed. _There goes 70% of my plans._

Back in her office, Naruto leaned back and sighed as well. "Where the hell are the other two fossils?"

_The trash disposal building... I mean tower in the Forest of Death:_

Ino breathed in relief as she and her teammates entered the tower wearily. "It's FINALLY over!" She yelled.

Next to her, Sasuke nodded. "Thank Kami. What was that psycho woman's deal anyway?"

_Flashback:_

Sasuke turned to his teammates as soon as they entered the forest. "Ok, Sakura takes the scroll. She's so useless and pathetic that no one will possibly think she has it."

Sakura swallowed and started crying.

"You see?" Sasuke asked Ino over Sakura's wailing. "As much as I hate to admit it, if I said that about you, you'd break my nose and storm off, proving me completely wrong in the process."

Once Sakura calmed down, Sasuke spoke again. "Ok, in case we split up, we need a password of some sort in order to distinguish our teammates from possible impostors."

Ino smirked. "Go fuck yourself."

Sasuke sighed. "Unlike some freaks, I require a female person to accompany me during fucking."

Ino sweatdropped. "You misunderstand. I'm proposing that the phrase 'go fuck yourself' becomes our password."

Sasuke stared at her for a moment, before nodding. "Makes sense. It's definitely something no one will figure out. Except maybe sensei, since her mind is almost always thinking of such things."

Ino clapped her hands. "It's settled then."

After a few minutes of unsuccessful enemy searching, a huge gust of wind him Team 7. Thankfully, they all channeled chakra to their feet, allowing them to not get blown away. Sakura of course screwed up and flew away anyway. The unseen female pouted and dispelled her summon snake, since she had no need for it.

Sakura panted as she caught up to the team again. "Hey, guys."

Sasuke scowled. "Go fuck yourself."

Sakura looked at him. "Not without you, Sasuke-kun."

Sasuke and Ino shared a look. "well, damn. I can't tell if that's Sakura or not."

Ino sighed. "Forehead Girl." She smirked, ignoring Sakura's rant. "Yep, it's her."

"Well, hello there." The stalker woman smirked as she stepped forward. "Let's play, kiddies." And with that she unleashed a huge dose of concentrated killing intent at the three Konoha Genin.

Sasuke gasped and wilted as Sakura fell to her knees and peed herself. Ino, however, remained unaffected, causing the weird apparently Kusa kunoichi to lick her lips in amusement.

"It appears one of you is actually skilled." The woman remarked.

Ino scoffed. "Please, this is nothing. Sensei has been blasting me with that thing during every lesson I had with her. She knew I'd find myself in a situation like this and she wanted me to be prepared."

The woman tilted her head in puzzlement. "Your sensei knew you'd be randomly attacked by an Otokage masquerading as a Kusa Genin and infiltrating the Chunin exams?"

Ino shrugged. "No, she just knew I'd face strong enemies whether I want to or not."

The Kusa Genin smirked. "Anyway, I'm here for this guy." She stretched her neck, swatting away Sakura and knocking her unconscious because she was in the way, then biting down on Sasuke's neck.

Sasuke yelled and passed out as a weird mark formed on his shoulder. Her job done, the Kusa woman waved at Ino and jumped away.

* * *

><p>On his way to the tower, Orochimaru sighed. "Well, damn. Better tell my team not to attack Sasuke. If they kill the pink thing by accident, Sasuke's team won't pass this exam.<p>

Anko jumped down. "What did you do to Sasuke?"

Orochimaru sighed. "Gave him a curse mark. You know, the usual." He smirked. "Anyway, can't chat, Anko-chan. Places to be, people to see, and so on."

Anko growled in frustration when the Sannin disappeared.

* * *

><p><em>End flashback.<em>

Sakura frowned. "Wait, how did we know that last part?"

Ino shrugged. "Who cares. I'm more interested in what sensei's doing?"

_The residence of awesomeness... I mean Godaime's office:_

Homura and Koharu looked around the empty room. "Where's the Hokage?" Homura asked, confused."

"Spinning Wind Star of Doom!" Naruto yelled as she slammed the jutsu into the two advisors.

_So, she renamed the Rasenshuriken, _Homura thought before he turned to dust.

Koharu sighed. _At least the Godaime is strong, _crossed her mind before she too was vaporized.

Naruto chuckled as the two advisors were erased from existence. "Onoki and his Jinton ain't got nothing on me!" She crowed before looking at her watch. "Oh crap, I'm late for the third stage of the exams!"

She paused before leaving her office. "I hope the Genin won't react to my new rank the way Shisui-kun did."

_Flashback:_

"Are you serious?" Shisui yelled.

Naruto nodded, then watched in shock as Shisui... burst into dance.

"Oh yeah!" The Uchiha exclaimed. "I'm dating the Hokage, I'm dating the Hokage, la la la la la la, YEAH!" He pumped his fist in the air before disappearing out the door.

_End flashback._

_The trash disposal building... I mean tower in the Forest of Death:_

Hayate sighed as he noticed the distinct absence of the Godaime. He grumbled something about perverts before turning to the assembled Genin.

"Alright, my name is Hayate Gekko (cough) and I'll be the proctor for (cough cough) the third exam."

Yay! Chapter 11 is out. Stay tuned for chapter 12!


	12. Naruto vs Neji!

Chapter 12 has finally arrived! Cookies for everyone!

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Masashi Kishimoto does.

I also do not own Pokemon.

_The trash disposal building... I mean tower in the Forest of Death:_

Hayate looked over the assembled Genin. "Alright, listen up. Because so many of you (cough cough) got through the second stage of the exam, we're going to (cough) hold preliminary matches to further cut your numbers. The winners (sneeze) will be the ones to participate in the third stage of the exams. Now then, before the matches start, is there anyone (gasp choke) who would like to withdraw?"

After a few seconds, Kabuto raised his hand. Hayate nodded.

"You are Kabuto (cough) Yakushi of the Leaf, right?" He asked, checking something on his clipboard. "Ok, you're free to (hark) leave." He looked around the other Genin for another possible quitter. Seeing none he continued. "Now then, for these matches I've decided (wheeze) to do something different. Only one name will show up (cough snort) on the computer behind me. The person who is called gets to choose who he (spits blood) or she wants to fight."

Hayate turned to the display. "Let's see, the first (faints, then miraculously recovers) fighter is... Neji Hyuuga."

The proctor turned to Neji. "Choose who you want to fight."

Neji looked around the room. _Ok, fighting Hinata-sama would allow me to vent... the pink girl looks weak, that would be an easy win... Lee is always trying to beat me, maybe I should humiliate him here..._

"Sorry I'm late!" A voice called. Neji looked over the newcomer. _Hmm... about my age... dressed inappropriately for a serious kunoichi... must be weak...ok._

Neji smirked and pointed at the girl. "I'll fight her."

"Me?" Naruto pointed to herself. "But I'm not a..." A sinister smile crossed her face, before she glanced at the Jonin who, of course, all knew who she was. "Nobody. Say. A. Word." She looked at Neji. "Ok, I'll fight you." She smirked before turning to Hayate. "Hayate-san, can our match be second though?"

Hayate shrugged and nodded. "Fine by me." The name shifted to Yoroi Akado.

While Yoroi rather loudly proclaimed his desire to fight the Uchiha prodigy, Neji sneered. "Afraid to face me, girlie? I'm not surprised. After all, it's your destiny to lose to me."

Naruto raised one eyebrow. "Oh, not at all. I'm just trying to think of a strategy that won't kill you."

Down in the arena, Yoroi charged at Sasuke with a glowing hand. "Chakra Sucking Hand of Destruction, go!"

Sasuke weaved and dodged several strikes, before getting rather annoyed with the inaction. Frowning, he took out a scroll from... somewhere. The tag on the scroll read "Naruto's Pranking Supplies™ – Chakra Destroyers". Sasuke smirked as he bit his thumb and smeared blood across the scroll.

Everyone gaped at the rather weird mechanisms that popped out of the scroll. Deciding not to waste time, Sasuke threw one at Yoroi. As soon as it got close to the boy, it exploded, consuming a large amount of Yoroi's chakra and sending the boy flying. Sasuke sneered and jumped up after him.

The older boy gasped in pain when Sasuke slammed his foot into the boy's midsection. "Shishi Rendan!" He cried, sending Yoroi crashing to the ground.

"Winner, Sasuke Uchiha." Hayate announced. Naruto whispered something to Kakashi, who nodded before jumping down to Sasuke. A moment later both of them disappeared in a swirl of leaves. Unnoticed by anyone, a certain Oto Jonin silently walked out of the room.

"Second match." Hayate said as both Naruto and Neji headed down to the floor. "Are both fighters ready?" Receiving a couple of nods he jumped back. "Begin!"

"Fate has chosen me to..." Neji trailed off. "Where'd she go?"

"Eroton: Sennen Goroshi!" Naruto yelled from behind him as she stuck several fingers up his ass.

The Hyuuga yelled in pain as she flung him headfirst towards a wall, then fell silent as said wall knocked him unconscious.

Hayate blinked at the shortness of the match. "Um... wow. Winner, Godaime Hokage-sama!"

After a moment of silence, the room erupted into chaos.

"Settle down!" Naruto yelled. "He chose to fight me, thinking I was just another Genin. It's his fault he jumped to conclusions And yes, as of five days ago, I am indeed the Godaime Hokage! Also, because Neji chose a non-participant to fight against, he will be allowed to fight one more time."

Naruto turned to Hayate. "Start the third match, Hayate-san." The man nodded and activated the computer. After a moment of flashing it chose a name.

_Kiba Inuzuka._

Unlike Neji, Kiba wasted no time thinking and chose who he thought was the weakest of all of them. "Fight me, Yamanaka!" Ino sighed and jumped down to the floor.

Kiba sneered as he put Akamaru down next to him. "I'll show you what a real ninja should be."

Ino smirked. "And how could you possibly know that, dog boy?" She nodded at Hayate, signifying she was ready.

Hayate glanced at Kiba, seeing his determination, and nodded. "Begin!"

Kurenai leaned over. "Sorry, Hokage-sama, but there's no way your student can beat Kiba." Naruto sent her a deadpan stare. "Kurenai-san, I'm better than you, right? So why do you think your student is better than mine?"

"Suiton: Teppōdama!" Ino announced, spitting a medium-sized water bullet directly above herself. Kiba almost fell over in mid-run as he watched the bullet rise up, then fall back down at Ino. "What the hell is she doing?"

Ino smirked as the water fell back down and soaked her. "Try sniffing me out now, dog boy." Kiba's eyes widened in realization. _Dammit! She completely washed her scent away. On the other hand... what an awesome view!_

Indeed, Ino's not-so-modest assets were now clearly visible through her wet shirt. Ino sighed as she noticed the Hokage, her own sensei, leer at her slightly while taking notes.

Ino smirked as she turned back to Kiba. "Anyway, time to further disable your nose, dog boy." She commented, taking out a scroll, which read " Naruto's Pranking Supplies™ - Stink Bombs". Her smile got wider when she took one out and threw it at Kiba.

Kiba's eyes widened as the bomb erupted into foul-smelling gas about a meter away from his face. When the smell hit him, he threw up and started convulsing in pain on the floor. Akamaru simply fainted as soon as he caught a whiff.

Ino smiled and ran through several hand signs. "Sensatsu Suishō!" She snapped, sending a volley of needles at Kiba and rendering him unconscious.

Hayate looked at the fallen Inuzuka. "Winner, Ino Yamanaka!"

As Ino walked up to Naruto and her team, the board stopped on another name.

_Sakura Haruno._

Sakura looked around the room and pointed at Shino. "I want to fight him."

Wasting no words, the Aburame walked down to the arena, where Sakura joined him moments later. Both gave a nod at Hayate, who started the match and jumped back.

The match was, in a word, pathetic. Shino's bugs drained Sakura's chakra in a minute flat, and the girl was unceremoniously hauled out by medics while Shino walked back up to his team.

The board flashed a new name. "Haku." Hayate called out. "Choose your opponent."

Haku struck a thinking pose and looked at the competition. "You." She finally chose, looking at Tenten. "You look like a serious kunoichi. Let's see you fight."

_One Makyō Hyōshō later: _

"Winner, Haku!" Hayate announced as the ice user jumped back up to the stands while Tenten collected her weapons. The computer ran through several names, finally settling on Dosu Kinuta.

Like Kiba, the Sound Genin wasted no time challenging a stronger opponent. "Sabaku no Gaara, I choose you!"

"This isn't Pokemon." Kin whispered. Zaku laughed.

Dosu glared at his opponent. "I know about your sand. Let's see which is stronger, your sand or my sound."

Hayate coughed. "Begin!"

Squelch.

Hayate coughed again. "Winner, Sabaku no Gaara."

"I'm pretty sure the sand was stronger." Kin deadpanned. Zaku broke down in hysterics.

Temari's face lit up when her name appeared on the screen. _Let's see, I came here hoping to beat the crap out of fan-girls, but they're all gone already.. guess I'll take the Hyuuga._

Temari pointed at Hinata. "Oi, Hyuuga girl. Let's fight!"

Hayate glanced between both kunoichi. "Are you both ready?" Seeing two nods he jumped back. "Begin!"

Temari smirked. _I think I'm the first person here to choose an opponent I have an advantage against._ True to her thoughts, Hinata couldn't even get close to try the Jyuuken, because wind kept pushing her back. Temari quickly grew bored and opened her fan to the fullest, before waving it and sending Hinata into the wall, where the girl crumpled, unconscious.

Hayate raised one hand. "Winner, Sabaku no Temari!" He shouted, before the computer activated and chose another name.

_Rock Lee._

Lee perked up. "Yosh! You, from the Sand village, I wished to fight your brother. However, I am confident that a match against you will be awesome too!"

Kankuro smirked as he walked down to the arena floor. "Suit yourself, green boy."

"Begin!" Hayate called as soon as both fighters were ready.

Lee put up a good fight, a great fight even. He would have won if he had used the Initial Lotus on the real Kankuro instead of a puppet. As it was, the puppet simply split into pieces and one of those pieces cut Lee with a poisoned blade. Kankuro was generous enough to give the medics the antidote before they carried Lee off.

The next name appeared on the board. "Kin Tsuchi." Hayate called. "Who do you wish to fight?" Shikamaru sighed when the Sound kunoichi glared at him. _Troublesome._

As soon as the match started, Kin put in place her infallible bell strategy. And lost. Shikamaru sighed as he straightened up and glanced at his unconscious opponent. _I repeat, troublesome._

Hayate coughed. "Ahem, the next match... Neji Hyuuga. Again. Choose your opponent." Neji frowned as he looked over the remaining Genin. Finally he came to a decision. "You, with the black mask. Fate has chosen you to lose to me today."

Misumi smirked as he jumped down to the floor, where Neji was already waiting. "Didn't you say the same to your Hokage, when you challenged her?"

Neji scowled when he heard Naruto laugh her ass off. Hayate smirked. "Begin."

"You asked for it." Neji growled as he charged at his opponent. "Hakke Rokujuyon Sho!"

"That's it?" Hayate asked in disbelief when Misumi fell unconscious to the ground. "Wow. Um, winner, Neji Hyuuga."

Hayate looked up at he last two competitors. "Get down here, you two."

Chouji frowned, remembering Zaku's brutality when his squad ran into the Sound team and barely managed to get away. They wouldn't have if Haku didn't trap them in ice.

"I forfeit." Chouji called to the sickly Jonin. Zaku sighed while Hayate nodded. "Winner by forfeit, Zaku Abumi. Can all the finalists (shiver) please come down here?"

Once all the winners, except for Sasuke, appeared at the arena floor, Naruto stepped up. "Alright, first off, congratulations to all of you for winning your matches. The finals will be held in one month, so that people from other countries can watch their Chunin hopefuls perform." She held up a small sack. "But enough about that. Right now, line up and draw a number from this sack. This will determine who your first opponent during the final round will be."

Once everyone had drawn numbers and given them back to Hayate, Naruto held up a tournament bracket. "Ok, these are your match numbers and opponents. Match one will be Haku against Zaku, second is Ino versus Neji, third will be Sasuke against Gaara, fourth is Shino against Kankuro, and Shikamaru will fight Temari at the end of the round. Now that you know who you're fighting, use this next month to prepare a strategy against your opponents. The final matches will take place in the main stadium. Good luck to all of you!"

Naruto sighed. "Now then... time to do some relaxing."

I have released chapter 12! I... am... a... GOD! Mwhahahahahahaha... ahem, chapter 13 coming soon.


	13. Welcome, Orochimaru!

Chapter 13 reporting for duty!

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Masashi Kishimoto does.

_The residence of awesomeness... I mean Godaime's office:_

_Neji frowned as he looked over the remaining Genin. Finally he came to a decision. "You, with the black mask. Fate has chosen you to lose to me today."_

_Misumi smirked as he jumped down to the floor, where Neji was already waiting. "Didn't you say the same to your Hokage, when you challenged her?"_

_Neji scowled when he heard Naruto laugh her ass off._

Naruto frowned as the memory replayed itself in her head. The way that Misumi kid phrased it, it sounded like he answered to someone else instead of her. Deciding to have the matter looked into, Naruto snapped her fingers.

An ANBU appeared in her office. "Yes, Hokage-sama?"

"I want you to investigate Genin Misumi Tsurugi and his team." Naruto told him. "Find out all you can about their backgrounds, their missions, and their sensei. Something's not right about this."

"Yes, Hokage-sama!" The ANBU saluted and disappeared.

Naruto sighed, before pushing her paperwork to one side and standing up. "I think I'll do some research myself."

_Undisclosed location:_

Naruto smiled as she wrote in her pink notebook, as she surveyed the scene below her from her hiding spot. The hideout she chose gave an excellent view of both the male and the female hot springs. She gave a smirk as she saw her sensei Jiraiya peep on the women from a different place, one that was far easier to discover. _Like Shishou, like student._

Naruto shook her head and turned her attention back to the scene unfolding below her. In the female baths, two nondescript kunoichi were currently making out, while the other women were looking on in curiosity and amusement. On the male side, a clearly gay Chūnin was blatantly checking out the other men, much to their discomfort. Naruto giggled at that.

After a few more minutes of watching, the two female lovers and the gay man simultaneously left the hot springs and met at the entrance. Naruto smirked when all three disappeared in puffs of smoke and the memories of her transformed Kage Bunshins hit her. _Now I have more than enough material to write my second book. _She wiped a small trickle of blood away from her nose. _All I needed to finish research was the reactions of straight people to homosexuals. Women are clearly more tolerant. It makes me proud to be female._

Naruto looked at her watch. "Who says women can't be perverts?" She asked herself, before sighing and jumping down silently from her hiding spot. "Ino-chan will be at our training ground for training soon, I should go meet her."

_Home away from home... I mean training ground 7:_

Ino looked up and put her fashion magazine away when her sensei appeared in a water Shunshin. "Hey, Ino-chan!" The young Hokage yelled exuberantly.

Ino smiled tentatively. "Um, hi?" Letting her curiosity get the better of her, she continued. "Shishou, you said that you'd teach me one of your favorite moves. So what am I learning?"

Naruto smirked. "I haven't used it around you guys yet, but it's the basic non-elemental form before my wind chakra turns it into the Rasenshuriken." Naruto got a manic glint in her eye. "Get ready, Ino. I am going to teach you... the Rasengan!"

Ino blinked, before her face lit up. "Really, Shishou?"

Naruto was tempted to say 'no, not really', but quelled that urge. "This is what the Rasengan looks like." She said instead, forming a blue sphere in her hand. "Despite being the basic form, it is still an A-rank jutsu. There are three stages to mastering it, and those are rotation, power, and compression." Naruto handed Ino a bag of water balloons. "For the first step, you have to channel chakra in a swirling motion, so that the water inside the balloon starts spinning around. Once you can get the water to swirl around without popping the balloon, come find me for the next step."

Naruto turned and started walking away, before looking over her shoulder. "I'll give you a hint. One direction won't be enough."

Ino frowned and started pushing chakra into the balloon.

_Later that night, in a different undisclosed location:_

Hayate held his breath as he listened to a conversation between Kabuto and a Suna Jonin. _The Sand and Sound want to invade the Leaf village. I must tell the Hokage immediately!_

Kabuto smirked. "Now that that's settled, please excuse me. I have to deal with the eavesdropper."

The Suna Jonin held him back. "No, allow me. As a show of goodwill between our villages, I'll take care of him."

Hayate's eyes widened and the sickly Jonin fled towards the Hokage tower.

* * *

><p>In the Hokage tower, a single eye opened, revealing a horizontal bar. <em>There are two chakra pools headed this way. The first one is Hayate, the exam proctor, and his chakra is in turmoil. Probably panic. The second chakra is one I don't recognize, but it feels hostile.<em>

Naruto sighed and stood up from her meditation. "I'd better see what's going on."

* * *

><p>Baki smirked as Hayate tried to pull his sword free. The Suna Jonin held his hand out and chakra started gathering in it. "I can tell you have a fine blade. However, nothing can stand... against a blade made of wind."<p>

And he swung forward.

Hayate disappeared, replaced with a Naruto Kage Bunshin, which dispersed in a puff of smoke as the attack hit.

Naruto scowled as she jumped down in front of Hayate. "Now why is a Shinobi of an allied village killing off my Jonin?" She turned to regard Hayate. "Are you all right, Hayate-san?"

Hayate nodded and cleared his throat. "Hokage-sama, I have overheard Kabuto Yakushi and this man talking. It seems that the Sand and Sound have joined forces and wish to invade Konoha during the finals of the Chunin exams."

Naruto frowned. "The ANBU have apprehended Misumi Tsurugi and Yoroi Akado earlier today. I already know that the Sound is attacking." She turned to face Baki and smirked. "That the Sand is involved is news to me, though. Good work, Hayate-san."

Hayate saluted and disappeared, his job done. Naruto glared at Baki. "I'll teach you to mess with my Shinobi."

Baki started sweating nervously. While he was an Elite Jonin with a high level of proficiency with wind jutsu, he knew he had nothing on this girl. The Godaime Hokage had made several names for herself, going by Nidaime Ero-sennin in Iwa and by Nisennen no Naruto (1) in Kumo. Suna, on the other hand, recognized her as Kaze no Kami, the God of Wind, on account of her years of training with her wind affinity while utilizing the effects of Kage Bunshin. In short, the girl had several hundred years of wind training under her belt.

"You like to play with wind swords." Naruto observed darkly. "Let's see if you can stand against my wind sword barrage jutsu." On her command, around a dozen Kage Bunshin surrounded Baki in a semi-circle, and each formed her own wind blade.

Baki looked around and gulped. He was fucked.

* * *

><p>The day of the finals had arrived. People were streaming into the stadium, milling around and trying to find the best seats they could before someone else snagged them. In short, there was general confusion which was slowly sorting itself out.<p>

Up in the Kage booth, Naruto looked up and smiled when she saw the 'Kazekage' enter the stands and sit down next to her. She signaled her guard to leave and the man frowned, but complied. The 'Kazekage' debated with himself for a moment, before turning to Naruto.

"I see that Sarutobi has retired." The man remarked. "You must be Naruto Namikaze. A worthy successor, perhaps a tad young, but strong nonetheless."

Naruto smirked and her Sage Mode faded. "Hello, Orochimaru-san."

Underneath his fake face, the man paled. Outwardly he smirked. "It seems I have been discovered." He commented coolly. "So what happens now?"

Naruto shrugged. "First off, if you're not really a Kage, then I'm afraid you have to sit with the others."

Orochimaru chuckled. "I'm the Otokage."

Naruto shrugged again. "My mistake, Otokage-dono. However, since we interrogated Akado and Tsurugi, and one of my Jonin overheard Kabuto and a Sand Jonin plotting, we know all about your invasion."

Orochimaru blanched. "I see." He said neutrally, trying to keep calm.

Naruto laughed. "Don't worry. If your forces stand down and don't attack, you and all of them will be considered guests and allowed to leave freely. That I can promise you."

Orochimaru gaped at her in disbelief. "But... I'm an S-rank nuke-nin of this village. You would really just let me out like that?"

Naruto smirked. "You're not just a nuke-nin, you're also the Otokage. Can you imagine the diplomatic nightmare holding you here would cause?" Naruto shivered. "Besides, that would give me tons of paperwork."

Orochimaru nodded sympathetically. "That would be rather unpleasant."

Naruto smiled. "You can tell your guards to stop pretending. I know there's five of them. They can stay up here though, if they so desire."

The two 'Suna' guards fell apart to reveal the Sound Four + the sleeping second head on Sakon.

Orochimaru looked at Naruto in amusement. "I suppose there would be little point in attacking, if Konoha is prepared." He made a hand sign ordering Sound forces to stand down, and watched as the message was passed on. "Sarutobi isn't here either, so I guess I won&t get to fight him." He shrugged, before taking off the Kazekage robe, revealing his normal clothes underneath. "Let's enjoy the matches, shall we?" He asked Naruto pleasantly.

The Hokage just laughed.

(1) Nisennen no Naruto - Naruto of the two millennia. Named so because she produced 365 clones and trained with them for a day, meaning that one day covered a year's worth of training. Having done that for a full six years, or roughly 2190 days, Naruto has done over 2000 years worth of training under Jiraiya. Hence the name Nisennen no Naruto.

Chapter 13 is a go. Chapter 14 is in the works.


	14. The Sand Invasion!

I'm here to kick ass and write chapter 14, and I'm all out of ass!

Thanks for all the reviews I got from you guys. You all rock! (Except BarkUpMyTree, who posted a criticizing review to chapter 3, while he didn't read chapter 2, where the issue was explained.)

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Masashi Kishimoto does.

_WOW Fields of Blood arena... I mean Konoha Stadium floor:_

Genma looked over the assembled Genin. "Sasuke's missing. Should have guessed, seeing as he was training with Kakashi this entire month."

The senbon-chewing proctor sighed and took out a folded napkin with the match-ups scribbled down on it. "Take one last look at this before we begin. This shows who you'll fight in the first round, and who you're likely to be up against in the second round if you win your first match. Any questions?"

Shikamaru spoke up. "If there's only one winner of the tournament, does that mean only one of us will become a Chūnin?"

Genma shook his head. "No. The judges will evaluate your skills and tactical abilities, and make their decision based on that. Having more matches simply gives you the chance to show your talents more."

Genma looked at the group. "Now, if there's no other questions, the first match will be Haku vs Zaku. Everyone else, go and wait in the competitor's booth."

As the fighters walked away, leaving Zaku and Haku down in the field, Genma eyed the two. "Are you both ready?"

Seeing two nods he continued. "The first match of the finals will now commence!" He yelled for the entire crowd to hear. "Haku vs Zaku. Begin!"

_The King's Seats... I mean Kage Box:_

"Your Genin seems overconfident." Naruto commented, as she watched the fight.

Orochimaru sighed. "Yeah, he's always been like this. I though that after he started dating Kin he'd tone it down, but nothing happened."

Naruto looked at Zaku, then at Kin, who was watching in the stands. "He's tapping THAT? Damn, that's one lucky son of a bitch."

Orochimaru chuckled. "I can see the reasoning behind your Nidaime Ero-sennin alias."

Naruto shrugged. "It's certainly better than what Kiri calls me."

Orochimaru raised one eyebrow. "Oh?"

Naruto sighed. "They know me as the Infiltrator, because my henge uses so much chakra that I actually rewrite my entire genetic structure and _physically become_ whoever I transform into, complete with bloodlines and chakra nature. It's great for spying, but it's one of my less-known techniques."

Orochimaru smirked._ With such a jutsu at my disposal, I could recreate any bloodline I wished. Mokuton, Sharingan, Shikotsumyaku, the possibilities are endless!_ "Do you think you could show me how you do that?"

Naruto smiled. "Only if you show me the jutsu that lets you, for lack of a better word, regurgitate a fully-healed you when the original is seriously wounded. Everyone who saw it and lived says it's gross, but I personally consider it a very practical move. I mean, who cares what it looks like if it saves your life?"

Orochimaru stared at her in astonishment. "Yes, finally! Thank you! At last someone gets it!"

Naruto smiled again, before turning back to the match. "So, Orochi-kun, your thoughts on the fighters?"

Orochimaru looked at the match and struck a thinking pose. "Well, Naru-chan, the Haku girl has an interesting set of moves, but it seems to me that she tries to avoid critically injuring her opponent. I mean, my Genin clearly has no such qualms."

Naruto nodded. "On the other hand, Zaku appears brash and over-confident. While his strength and abilities are Chūnin level, he has to shape up his attitude if he's to someday lead his own team."

Orochimaru sighed. "It seems that neither of them will advance in rank this time."

_WOW Fields of Blood arena... I mean Konoha Stadium floor:_

Genma looked on as medics carried both Haku and Zaku away. Haku was unconscious after being knocked out of her ice mirror, while Zaku's body had a multitude of needles sticking out of it. Genma looked up at the crowd. "The match is a draw. Neither fighter will proceed to the next round. Next match, Ino Yamanaka against Neji Hyuuga. Will both contestants come down to the arena floor?"

Once the two Genin were scowling at each other, Genma nodded and jumped back. "You both seem ready, so begin!"

Neji immediately stepped into the Jyuuken stance. "You are within my range of divination." He announced. "I'll end this quickly. Hakke Rokujuyon Sho!"

Ino tensed as Neji leapt forward, then stopped his attack in the simplest way ever, which somehow nobody before her had thought of. She... grabbed his wrist before he connected.

"What the..." Neji struggled to pull himself free. Ino smirked. "I have occupied one of your hands. You can't form hand signs anymore."

Neji scowled. "I can do this one." He commented, showing her the middle finger. "Besides, one of your hands is occupied too."

Ino smirked. "I only need one hand." She ran through several one-handed seals, much to Neji's astonishment. "Sensatsu Suishō!"

_The King's Seats... I mean Kage Box:_

Orochimaru looked on, impressed. "To have stopped the Jyuuken so easily, and to use such a jutsu with only one hand... your student is truly something."

Naruto smiled. "She makes me proud to be her sensei."

Orochimaru looked at the Hokage. "I'll be honest with you, I like you!" He laughed. "So much, in fact, that I wish to propose an alliance between our two countries."

Naruto stared at him. "Really? Care to explain your reasoning, Otokage-dono?"

Orochimaru's look darkened. "There is a group of S-rank nuke-nin called Akatsuki out there, who wish to capture all the Jinchuuriki and extract the Bijuu from them. This process, unfortunately, kills the Jinchuuriki upon completion."

Naruto eyed him curiously. "I can understand why they would be a threat to me, but why would they be after you?"

Orochimaru scowled. "I used to be a member of the group and, as such, I know who the members are and how they operate. It is my belief that they will be after me because of that."

Naruto nodded. "For how long would the alliance hold?"

Orochimaru struck a thinking pose. "Well, it _is _my wish to destroy Konoha at one point, but as I said, I like you, and the Akatsuki is a common enemy, so... I propose we keep the alliance until either a Rokudaime Hokage is selected or the Akatsuki is eradicated from the planet."

Naruto grinned and stuck out her hand. "Then I agree to the alliance, Otokage-dono."

Orochimaru smirked and shook her hand. "Thank you, Hokage-sama."

_WOW Fields of Blood arena... I mean Konoha Stadium floor:_

"Hakkesho Kaiten!" Neji exclaimed, blocking Ino's Teppōdama and forcing it to fall apart in a shower of water.

Ino smirked as she jumped forward with a swirling ball of chakra in her hand, and slammed it into Neji's Kaiten. "Rasengan!"

The spinning ball of chakra collided with Neji's defense and the resulting explosion sent both of them flying back.

The crowd watched with bated breath as Ino stood up shakily and walked over to Neji's unconscious body. "Where's your fate now, asshole?"

Genma smirked. "Winner, Ino Yamanaka!"

Hiashi sighed and stood up. _I suppose now's as good a time as any to tell him the truth._

_The King's Seats... I mean Kage Box:_

Orochimaru gaped at the display of power. "That's seriously the basic form of the Rasengan?" He asked his fellow Kage.

Naruto smirked. "I can't wait to see what she gets when she mixes her water affinity in with that."

Orochimaru laughed. "That will be something to see, I'm sure of it. You know, I'm impressed with her. I recommend she gets promoted. She certainly looks like she can handle the job."

Naruto nodded with a proud smile on her face. "Seconded. What about Neji though? I don't think he has the right mentality for Chūnin yet."

Orochimaru nodded. "True. The boy has to relinquish his fate obsession if he wishes to ever advance in rank."

Orochimaru frowned and looked around the arena floor, where Gaara was waiting for his opponent to appear. "Alas, it appears that the last Uchiha is not here right now."

Naruto scowled and called Genma to the Kage booth, where she whispered several instructions in his ear. The Jonin sighed, but nodded and jumped back down to the stadium floor.

"The match between Sasuke Uchiha and Sabaku no Gaara has been moved to the end of the first round." Genma announced. "Will Shino Aburame and Sabaku no Kankuro come down to the arena?"

Kankuro scowled. "Proctor, I wish to forfeit."

Genma nodded and checked his napkin. "Winner by forfeit, Shino Aburame. Next match, Shikamaru Nara vs Sabaku no Temari."

Both Kages burst out laughing when they saw Ino throw Shikamaru down to the arena floor, where Temari was already waiting for him.

Genma eyed the two fighters. "Are you both ready?" Seeing two nods, one confident and one resigned, he smirked and jumped away. "Begin!"

* * *

><p>"The boy is a cunning strategist." Orochimaru remarked, watching Shikamaru lead his shadow into a hole that existed in the arena floor for some reason, then connect it with Temari, effectively immobilizing her.<p>

Shikamaru sighed. "Proctor, I wish to forfeit." He announced, much to everyone's astonishment.

Orochimaru chuckled. "The boy is interesting, all right. To give up on the brink of victory, he's either very stupid or knows something we don't."

Down in the field, Shikamaru sighed again. "Troublesome. I don't have enough chakra left for another jutsu and this one will wear off in seconds because I can't hold it. Quite frankly, I prefer to cut my losses and retreat while I still can."

Genma nodded. "Alright, the winner is Sabaku no Temari!"

Naruto frowned. "Your thoughts?"

"The boy has a very sharp mind, that much is true." Orochimaru commented thoughtfully. "He has a very defeatist attitude though, and he definitely has to increase his chakra levels if his current ones aren't enough for a match like this. However, I do think he has the necessary mental abilities for a Chūnin."

Naruto nodded. "I have to agree with your assessment. Shikamaru Nara will advance to the rank of Chūnin."

* * *

><p>Naruto sighed at the distinct lack of Sasuke, before motioning to Genma, who quickly jumped up to the Kage box. He bent his head and listened to several whispered instructions, his expression becoming increasingly astonished. Orochimaru listened in with curiosity, catching a word or phrase every now and then.<p>

"...match between..."

"...but... really..."

"...while we wait..."

"...sure?... nuke-nin..."

Genma finally nodded and jumped back down to the stadium floor. "Attention, everyone. Due to Sasuke Uchiha's absence the match has been postponed for another 20 minutes. However, in order to fill the time slot and provide additional entertainment to you all, the Hokage challenges the Otokage to a sparring match for your viewing pleasure!"

The crowd cheered. Naruto smirked and turned to Orochimaru. "Shall we?"

Orochimaru nodded in glee and the two Shunshin'ed to the arena, next to Genma.

Genma looked from one fighter to the other. "Stipulations?"

Orochimaru threw up his sword and took it in his right hand. "Kenjutsu?"

Naruto smirked as she took out two chakra trench knives, like the ones Asuma uses. "Kenjutsu."

"Alright!" Genma yelled. "Facing off right now, are two leaders of Hidden Villages. On my left, the young and beautiful yet extremely perverted, Konoha's Godaime Hokage, Naruto Namikaze!"

Genma turned to Orochimaru. "And on my right, the clever and cunning former Shinobi of Konoha, the Shodai Otokage himself, Orochimaru of the Sannin!"

Surprisingly enough, the crowd cheered for both names. Maybe Genma is just that good at getting masses of people hyped up.

"Let the Kenjutsu match begin!"

Orochimaru smirked and lunged forward as chakra surrounded Naruto's knives.

* * *

><p>About ten minutes into the spar, Kakashi and Sasuke appeared in a swirl of leaves. "Sorry we're late, but..." Kakashi ducked under a stray sword slash.<p>

"Dumbasses!" Genma yelled. "You two get the hell away from there!"

* * *

><p>Orochimaru smirked as he weaved inside Naruto's guard and placed his Kusanagi against her throat. "Looks like I win." He commented before lowering his sword. The crowd erupted into applause.<p>

Genma stepped forward as the two Kages returned to the Kage box. "Alright, now that that's out of the way, it's time for the last match of the first round!" He announced. "Sasuke Uchiha against Sabaku no Gaara!"

Genma waited until the two boys were facing each other. "Ok, are you both ready?" Hearing two grunts, he nodded. "Begin!"

_The King's Seats... I mean Kage Box:_

Orochimaru smirked as the two Kages watched Sasuke try to get past Gaara's sand, and actually succeed. "It seems Hatake has trained him well."

Naruto sighed. "Yes, but that thing with being so late screwed up his chances for promotion. An enemy won't wait for him to make a dramatic entrance, they'll kill as many allies as they can before he shows up."

Orochimaru nodded, seeing the logic in her words. "It's a shame the last of the clan is so arrogant. His name alone won't be enough for a promotion and he should know that."

Naruto face-palmed when she saw Sasuke climb up the stadium wall and start forming electricity in his hand. "Kakashi, you idiot."

Orochimaru leaned forward in interest when the Chidori pierced through the ball of sand Gaara was hidden in. The sand construct dissipated to reveal... Gaara holding a flashlight and reading a bright pink book with a trickle of blood running from his nose.

Gaara looked up and his face contorted in rage. "You interrupted my Icha Harem Lives!" Gaara yelled, before noticing that the book was ripped in two. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO! My Special Edition signed by the authoress Naruto Namikaze herself! You will pay for what you've done!"

Gaara slumped over and a Sand Jonin appeared behind him, flanked by Temari and Kankuro. "Where's Baki?" The man looked around. "Never mind. Temari, Kankuro, take Gaara outside the village and help him prepare. We need the Shukaku released if we want to win the attack with little casualties on our side!"

All across the stadium, Sand Shinobi were jumping into action and attacking Konoha Shinobi.

Naruto looked at Orochimaru in puzzlement. "I thought you called off the invasion?"

Orochimaru frowned. "I ordered only my forces to stand down. It seems that Suna has decided to go ahead with the operations regardless of my involvement."

Naruto sighed. "Then, Otokage-dono, stay here and allow the Konoha Shinobi to take care of this. If it's just Suna, we shouldn't have much trouble."

Naruto dispelled a henge over herself, revealing her normal attire (the one before she became Hokage). Seeing Orochimaru's questioning look she laughed. "Orochi-kun, my predecessor Sarutobi-san, while an excellent Shinobi, clearly didn't get women. Did he really think that I could get a complete wardrobe change and a haircut in just ten minutes? I'm a woman, it's impossible to take that little time on such things. No, I just got the haircut. The clothes were a solid henge."

Naruto smirked. "Anyway, Orochi-kun, please remain here where it's safe until this is all over. We still have to conclude our Chūnin examinations, after all."

Naruto sighed and jumped after the Sand Shinobi carrying Gaara._ The Sand must be suicidal to take us on alone. What the hell are they thinking?_

Chapter 14 is in the house! Keep your eyes sharp for chapter 15!


	15. Taming the Shukaku!

I'm here to kick ass and write chapter 15, and I'm all out of ass!

Thanks for all the reviews I got from you guys. You all rock! (Except BarkUpMyTree, who posted a criticizing review to chapter 3, while he didn't read chapter 2, where the issue was explained.)

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Masashi Kishimoto does.

* * *

><p>"Kankuro, take Gaara and go!" Temari ordered, turning around swiftly to face the approaching Naruto. Kankuro sent an apprehensive glare towards the young Hokage, but dutifully jumped away with the unconscious redhead slumped over his shoulder.<p>

"Silly girl. You really think you stand a chance against me?" Naruto smirked, watching Temari prepare her fan.

Temari scowled. "The rumors about you are pure nonsense, little girl. I've been training with wind jutsu before you even knew what chakra was. Destroying Konoha will be a breeze if you are the best they could do for Hokage."

Naruto's face darkened. "Your sensei Baki was a lot smarter than you during his final moments. It's a pity that he didn't teach humility to his students. All three of you were practically oozing arrogance and conceit during the exams. I despise people like you."

Temari scowled and waved her fan, blowing Naruto's surroundings away. "How's this for arrogance, you brat?"

Temari chuckled when she saw that Naruto was nowhere in sight. "The _Kaze no Kami_, defeated by one jutsu. Pathetic."

A gust of wind exploded out of nowhere, ripping Temari's fan to pieces and tearing through the girl's skin, inflicting numerous cuts of varying depth. The girl screamed and fell to the ground, blood slowly trickling out of various places on her body.

Naruto was scowling when she landed in front of the beaten Suna kunoichi with a wind sword in her hand. "I hope that you learn some humility and respect in the afterlife. Goodbye."

With these words, Temari's world went black.

* * *

><p>"Dammit." Kankuro frowned when Naruto appeared in his sights again. "Now what? I can't fight her and carry Gaara at the same time."<p>

"Kankuro... put me down." Gaara drawled out slowly, regaining his consciousness. Kankuro's eyes widened in surprise before the boy nodded and set his brother down on a tree branch.

"Alright." The black-clad boy scowled and reached for the bundle on his back. "You've given me no choice but to fight you."

The boy was forced to jump back when a fireball slammed into the place he just stood on, followed by a swarm of bugs. Naruto smirked when she saw Sasuke and Shino land on a nearby tree branch.

"You two take care of make-up boy over there." The girl ordered. "I have to go after Gaara."

Sasuke jumped past Kankuro. "Gaara is my fight. I'll take care of him."

Naruto grabbed him by his collar and tossed him back towards Shino. "Dammit, Uchiha. When I give you an order, you follow it, understand?"

Sasuke scowled. "Fine."

Shino smirked, although with his coat it was impossible to tell. "We can handle this guy. Good luck with your job, Hokage-sama."

"One last thing." Sasuke spoke up. "We found the Suna kunoichi with the fan dead a couple hundred meters away from here." Kankuro's eyes widened in shock. Sasuke pressed on. "Was it you who killed her?"

Naruto sighed. "I did fight her, but I just left her unconscious. Then again, that _would_ have made it easy for someone else to dispose of her." She lied.

"You left my sister to die?" Kankuro yelled, furious.

Naruto's gaze hardened. "This is war, you stupid little Genin. If you didn't know people would die, then what the hell are you doing with a headband?" With these words, Naruto jumped away to follow Gaara.

"You Leaf shinobi killed Temari." Kankuro growled, readying his puppets. "I'll kill all of you!"

"Bring it on." Sasuke smiled mockingly while Shino released a bug swarm.

* * *

><p>Naruto's eyes widened as the girl barely dodged a tendril of sand that would have smashed into her.<p>

"You are fast." A monotone voice observed calmly. Naruto glared at Gaara as he stepped into her field of vision. "However, I will kill you here. I will not cease to exist."

Naruto scowled and a small army of clones appeared behind her. "Ok, let's go, everyone!"

Gaara smirked as the group of Hokage clones charged towards him. "Your attacks are futile. Nothing can get past my ultimate defense." As if to prove his point, sand swirled around him and struck out at the charging copies of Naruto, dispelling most of them.

Naruto sighed and sped through several hand seals. "Your defense is made of sand, and sand doesn't mix well with water. Let's see your defense stop this! Suiton: Tsunami!"

A huge wave of water burst out in front of Naruto and headed towards Gaara. The boy looked up I shock as the wave crashed through his sand barrier with ease and smashed into him.

"So how's your defense now?" Naruto asked mockingly as Gaara surfaced, completely covered in mud.

Gaara simply put two fingers to his nose and took a deep breath. "Ninpou: Tanuki Neiri no Jutsu!"

Naruto stared in shock and alarm as Gaara fell asleep. "Crap."

A huge body made entirely of sand formed around Gaara's lower body. Naruto watched as the sand rose higher and higher, eventually taking on the shape of a raccoon-like creature. The thing then opened its mouth and spoke.

"Bwahahahaha! I'm free, baby!" The Shukaku looked around and spotted Naruto glaring at it. "Ooh, and I have someone to kill right off the bat! This is gonna be fun!"

* * *

><p>Naruto panted as she dodged yet another wind bullet. Wiping a small trickle of blood from her lip, she sighed and formed 200 clones around her.<p>

"I didn't want to do this. Last time I did this jutsu I destroyed both that cursed cat and most of the surrounding landscape. But you've given me no other choice."Naruto then pondered something. "Well, actually, I could summon Gamabunta instead of resorting to this, but what the heck. Senpou: Rasenshuriken Nisen Rendan!"

The clones huddled in groups of three (two went to the original) and each group pooled their chakra together into a Rasenshuriken. Shukaku seemed confused for a second.

"Wait, if it's the 2-K Barrage, then why are there only about 200 clones there? Shouldn't there be at least 2000 or something?"

Naruto smirked. "It's because Nisen (two thousand) sounds better than Nihyaku (two hundred)."

Shukaku sighed. "You know, if I could do a face-palm in this form, I would totally have done it."

Naruto shrugged. "Whatever. Here we go!"

Shukaku paled (if it's possible for a sand entity to do that) as the clones surrounded him and jumped at him from every direction at once. The giant beast howled in pain as most of it's body disintegrated into nothing.

The Hokage landed on the monster's head right next to Gaara and slapped him. "Oi! Wake up or I won't sign your Icha Harem novel!" Gaara jerked awake instantly, causing what remained of Shukaku to dissolve.

The redhead blanched as he took note of his current situation. "No! I will not cease to exist here! How are you stronger than me?"

To his surprise, Naruto's eyes glittered with unshed tears. "You and I are the same, you know that? We both have unwanted guests stuck inside of us."

Gaara's eyes widened. "But then, if you're like me, why aren't you hated? Why are you stronger? What gives you such power?"

Naruto sighed and sat down, prompting Gaara to do the same. "I guess... it's because I have people I care for and who care for me. I have those close to my heart that I want to protect, that I would fight my hardest and even die for." _Shisui-kun... Jiraiya-sensei..._

Gaara pondered her words. "But I don't have anyone like that. I fight only for myself."

Naruto gave a sad smile. "And there's your problem. Because you only care about yourself, you can't know what it's like to want to protect someone. But you're also wrong about one thing, you know? You do have people who care for you, even though you don't care for them. I saw your sister die trying to hold off your pursuers earlier. I watched your brother take on two of my strongest Genin in order to let you flee. They do care, so much that they would give their lives if it meant that you can keep yours. That's what Temari did."

Naruto stood up and extended a hand to Gaara. "And if you want, I can be one of those people too. So what do you say, Gaara? Friends?"

Gaara blinked, then slowly, tentatively grasped the offered hand. "Friends."

* * *

><p>Chapter 15 has finally arrived! The countdown until chapter 16 has started!<p> 


	16. Kisame's Identity Crisis

I'm here to kick ass and write chapter 16, and I'm all out of ass!

Thanks for all the reviews I got from you guys. You all rock!

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Masashi Kishimoto does.

* * *

><p>Naruto marched into her office, followed by Jiraiya, Danzo, and Homura. Sighing in frustration, she took out a report from somewhere under her shirt and looked it over, before handing it to Danzo.<p>

"Otogakure and Orochimaru have left already." Jiraiya started. "From what I hear, due to the Chunin exams ending early we only have two candidates for the rank, both of them Leaf nin."

Naruto nodded. "Ino Yamanaka and Shikamaru Nara. Shishou, could you go and get them?" The man nodded and the next second he was gone.

"I wish he'd open the window before leaving through it." Naruto muttered, staring at the glass shards littering her office floor. "Danzo, your thoughts?"

The elderly man put the report down. "We got off light. Even against a weak opponent like Sunagakure, no casualties is a minor miracle. However, we do have more wounded than we can heal at the moment. Tsunade's presence would help out greatly, but..."

"We could send a small unit to track her down." Homura supplied helpfully. "Jiraiya is bound to have some clue as to where she is."

Naruto and Danzo blinked, as if only just noticing him. "I thought I killed you." Naruto stated in confusion.

"Edo Tensei."

"Goddammit, Orochimaru."

* * *

><p>Somewhere in Otogakure, Orochimaru was laughing his ass off.<p>

* * *

><p>"Naruto, I got Ino and Shikamaru as you asked..." Jiraiya blinked as he noticed Kakashi, who wasn't there when Jiraiya left thirty seconds ago. "What are you doing?"<p>

Naruto hefted the dust pan out through her broken window and tossed a Rasenshuriken at it for good measure. "Disposing of immortal cockroaches. Kakashi, could you..."

The Jonin nodded and lifted his headband, revealing a Mangekyo under it. "Kamui."

Jiraiya, Danzo, and the Genin watched as the dust cloud vanished into a wormhole. "I'm not even going to ask." Shikamaru muttered. "It's too troublesome."

Naruto dismissed Danzo with a wave of her hand and plopped down in her seat. "Ok, you're here. Let's see... Shikamaru Nara and Ino Yamanaka, based on your performance during the Chunin exams and the subsequent invasion, during which Shikamaru slept and Ino covered everything visible to the naked eye, including Shikamaru, in ice needles, I hereby promote the two of you to the rank of Chunin."

She handed them two vests she got out of nowhere.

Naruto waited until they put their vests on. "Ok, Shikamaru, you're dismissed."

After the boy left, she turned to Ino. "As for you, you'll be accompanying me on a search for Tsunade of the Sannin. Jiraiya will be in charge of the village while I'm gone. You up for it?"

Ino nodded enthusiastically. "Of course, Shishou!"

"Good." Naruto smiled. "Go prepare everything you need for the journey. We leave in one hour."

* * *

><p>Iruka bowed. "Jiraiya-sama, as the Hokage stand-in, what are your orders?"<p>

"PORN IS NOW LEGAL!"

Iruka sighed.

* * *

><p>"I have a sudden insatiable urge to hug Shishou to death." Naruto remarked offhandedly.<p>

Ino frowned. "Why's that, Shishou?"

Naruto lifted up two fingers. "There are two things he could have done. First, he could have created a swimming pool filled with ramen and erected a statue of me in my birthday suit in the middle of it..."

Ino sighed. "I highly doubt that's the case."

Naruto nodded. "Yeah, I guess. In that case, I bet he lifted the age restriction on porn." She burst into maniacal laughter, pulling out five Icha Harem manuscripts at once from various places on her body. "The time to flood the market is NOW!"

Ino sweatdropped. _ This may take a while._

* * *

><p>Naruto frowned as she looked around the full bar. Shrugging, she walked over to a blond woman in her early thirties and casually threw her off her seat at the bar table, taking it for herself.<p>

"Oi, bartender!" She called. "A bottle of your finest sake, please."

The man took one look at her headband and nodded, reaching for an expensive-looking bottle on the top shelf behind him.

"You've got good taste." The woman from earlier commented, copying Naruto's action with the man sitting next to her. "Always nice to meet a drinker who knows her stuff. I'm Tsunade Senju, and who might you be?"

Naruto smirked. "I'm Naruto Namikaze, Godaime Hokage. I'm ordering you to return to Konoha at once, otherwise I'll brand you a nuke-nin and start sicking hunter-nin on you."

Tsunade scowled. "Sarutobi must have gone senile if a mere slip of girl is his chosen successor." An idea began to form in her head. "Tell you what, brat, if you manage to beat me in a fight then I'll go back to that place with you. If I win, you start funding all my gambling expenses from now on. I'll even give you an advantage and only use one finger."

Naruto smirked again. "Feel free to underestimate me."

Ten minutes later, in a deserted alleyway, Naruto and Tsunade faced off, while there respective students were off to one side getting to know each other.

"My money's on Shishou." Ino and Shizune said simultaneously, before exchanging amused glances.

"You really think she can win?" Shizune asked the Yamanaka.

Ino nodded. "I know she can win. I'm more worried about whether or not Tsunade-san will survive this."

"Ready, brat?" Tsunade growled, cracking her knuckles.

Naruto simply smiled and beckoned for Tsunade to attack, The woman wasted no time complying and rushed in with a fierce right hook.

* * *

><p>Thirty seconds later, Naruto was happily skipping on the back of Tsunade's head, making a bigger indent in the ground with each skip.<p>

"No challenge at all!" She shouted to Ino. "Good thing she'll only be heading the hospital. I'd flee Konoha fearing for my safety if she was Hokage."

Shizune grumbled something unintelligible and handed Ino a wad of bills.

* * *

><p>"Well." Itachi remarked stoically, observing the scene unfolding from a nearby rooftop with a blue fish-man next to him. "I think I've seen enough. Kisame, we're leaving."<p>

"But what about the Jinchuu-"

"_We're. Leaving. Kisame._"

"Itachi!" A new voice joined them. "I have waited for this for years now. Chidori!"

"Damn you, foolish little brother!"

* * *

><p>"I have to agree with that voice." Tsunade observed, looking up at a rooftop, where a dust cloud was obscuring what seemed to be a fight. "Little brothers can be incredibly annoying."<p>

Naruto's eye twitched when Sasuke landed in a heap in front of her, badly bruised and beaten with foam spilling from his mouth.

"Naruto Uzumaki!" Kisame roared, charging towards her. "Any last words before I tear you to ribbons?"

"Walking sushi?"

Kisame face-faulted, giving Itachi the perfect chance to grab him and retreat. "We'll be back for you, Naruto-chan. Make sure you have enough training to kick our asses by the time we start acting."

Itachi gave a salute before hoisting Kisame up over his shoulder. "And Kisame, exactly _what_ are you, anyway?"

* * *

><p>Chapter 16 has finally arrived! The countdown until chapter 17 has started!<p> 


	17. Sasuke's Defection

I'm here to kick ass and write chapter 17, and I'm all out of ass!

Thanks for all the reviews I got from you guys. You all rock!

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Masashi Kishimoto does.

* * *

><p><em>Highway to Hell... I mean Konoha's main road:<em>

"Tsunade-sama!" Sakura gushed upon seeing the female Sannin. "Welcome to Konoha. When will you be taking the Hokage hat from this pretender?" She glared at Naruto.

Tsunade smirked. "I'm not. This 'pretender' is the real Fifth Hokage. I'm just going to be heading the hospital. Which reminds me, where exactly is it?"

Naruto pointed to a white building off to her left and Tsunade nodded, giving Sakura one last mocking smile as she left the girl to face her leader's wrath.

"So..." Naruto started conversationally. "'Pretender', huh? Report to my 'pretend' office for your 'pretend' solo D-rank mission, you 'pretend' kunoichi. If you don't, I'll take away your 'not-pretend' headband, are we clear?"

A dose of killing intent was enough to make Sakura faint in the middle of the street.

* * *

><p><em>Stonybrook Mental Institution Ward 17... I mean a room in Konoha General Hospital:<em>

"Sasuke-kun."

_Twitch._

"Hey, Sasuke-kun!"

_Twitch._

"Sasuke-kun!" Sakura exclaimed, holding out a plate of apple slices to the bedridden boy. "I got you something to eat while you're recovering."

"Hey, Sasuke." Ino greeted her teammate, walking into the room calmly. "How much longer are you going to be stuck in here?"

The plate of apple slices went flying.

"Fight me, Yamanaka."

* * *

><p>"Hello." The black-clad woman holding a pig bowed to the other black-clad woman. "My name is Shizune."<p>

Short pause.

"I DO NOT LOOK LIKE YOU!"

Somewhere in the Sarutobi mansion, an old man nearly choked on his pipe from suppressed laughter.

* * *

><p><em>Konoha General Hospital rooftop... I mean... wait... no, that is where the plot happens...sorry. Anyway:<em>

"I'll show you." Sasuke growled at the blond girl facing him. "You are nothing compared to my power. I'll defeat you and prove to everyone that the Uchiha are superior!"

Ino gave a feral grin. "Bring it, emo boy."

"Katon: Gokyaku no Jutsu!" Sasuke roared mentally, hurling a huge fireball her way.

"A repeat of last time, eh?" Ino commented, flashing through hand signs. "Suiton: Teppōdama!"

Just like in Wave, the two attacks collided and covered the battlefield in mist.

"You want a repeat?" Sasuke yelled. "Fine! Katon: Hōsenka no Jutsu!"

"Suiton: Suijinheki!" Ino countered, creating yet more steam as a result of the fireballs dissipating on the wall of water.

"Let's see you escape this now!" Sasuke shouted, getting some wires around Ino and tying her to one of the laundry poles. "Katon: Ryūka no Jutsu!" No one noticed Ino make hand seals before the wires immobilized her.

"And... done!" She cheered, getting the last seal formed right before the wires tightened around her. "Suiton: Suiryuudan!"

The huge water dragon surged towards the flaming wires and doused them, breaking them apart at the same time.

"Damn you!" Sasuke shrieked, pure madness in his glare. "How dare you stand against the might of an Uchiha!" He grasped his right wrist with his left hand and lightning began to form in it. Ino frowned and quickly began focusing chakra in her own hand, forming it into a swirling ball.

The two charged forward.

"Chidori!"

"Rasengan!"

"Interruption!"

Naruto appeared between the two fighters, grabbed their outstretched wrists and spun around, hurling them into two of the hospital's water containers.

"What the hell do you two think you're doing?" The enraged Hokage yelled. "Have you lost it? Why are you using A-rank jutsu on each other?"

Sasuke just snorted and leapt of the roof, giving a snarl as he noticed Ino's water tower was sporting significantly more damage than his.

"DAMN YOU, YAMANAKA!"

* * *

><p>"Sasuke-san." A pale teenager intoned as he and his companions landed in front of the boy. "We've come to take you to Otogakure."<p>

Sasuke frowned "I thought Konoha and Oto are allies now."

"In that case, please explain that." Sakon pointed somewhere off to his left, where the faint outline of a Rasenshuriken colliding with a six-armed boy could be seen. "Your Hokage eliminated one of my teammates on sight."

"Point." Sasuke conceded. "Still, what can Orochimaru offer me that's better than this place?"

"You have the Cursed Seal, do you not?" Jirobo asked. "If you come to Orochimaru-sama, he could unlock its full potential for you."

"Really?" Sasuke's eyes widened. "Ok, weird freak ninja man with a second head sticking out of him. This is obviously some sort of diabolical master plan in which I am a pawn, but I see no reason not to trust you!"

Sakon sighed.

* * *

><p>The reactions to Sasuke's defection to Oto were mixed.<p>

Ino had stormed into the Hokage's office and demanded to be sent on a retrieval mission with some of her classmates she felt comfortable working with. When asked about the reason, she responded with 'I wanna kick some ass'. She was denied.

Sakura did nothing except cry. And cry. And then cry some more. In between refilling her tear ducts she begged Ino to go after 'her Sasuke-kun' and save him from the evil snake-man and the Curse Seal of Doom that so obviously was controlling his mind. Yes, those were her exact words.

Kakashi simply didn't give a shit.

The civilian council threw a bitch fit, ranting about the Sharingan and the greatness of their Uchiha-sama, who had to return to Konoha at all costs and be kept happy even if that meant making everyone else's life hell. They demanded that Naruto either sends a team to reclaim him or immediately declare war on Otogakure for Orochimaru's audacity.

In retaliation, Naruto sent a message to Orochimaru.

* * *

><p>"Orochimaru-sama." Sakon knelt in front of his leader, followed by the rest of the Sound Four. "We have successfully retrieved Sasuke Uchiha from Konohagakure and forced his Curse Seal to the second stage."<p>

Orochimaru face-palmed. "Sakon, let me ask you something. The Uchiha were one of Konoha's two founding clans, right?"

"Yes, sir."

"And I recently returned from Konoha having secured an alliance with someone possibly on my level, with no effort on my part and by spilling one secret that wasn't even mine to begin with, correct?"

"Yes."

"And so..." Orochimaru's voice was slowly rising. "Do you honestly think that the alliance will hold once they find out my shinobi captured the last member of their prized Uchiha clan?"

"No, sir."

"Then why, oh Kami why, did you act against my specific orders to wait three years until they wouldn't care so much about it?"

"Um..."

Thankfully for Sakon, a messenger hawk from Konoha chose that specific moment to arrive. Orochimaru sent the teen a glare before opening the message and looking through the folder enclosed with it.

"This is Sasuke Uchiha's file. The Academy records, medical history, everything is in here." He noted in surprise. "Oh, there's a note too. Let's see..." He lifted it up. "It says: Good riddance. You can keep him. Signed, Naruto."

"Well, Sakon." Orochimaru smirked. "Congratulations. You get to live."

* * *

><p>Chapter 17 has finally arrived! The countdown until chapter 18 has started!<p> 


	18. The new Eroton user

I'm here to kick ass and write chapter 18, and I'm all out of ass!

Thanks for all the reviews I got from you guys. You all rock!

R.I.P. Neji Hyuuga... stupid Kishimoto.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Masashi Kishimoto does. I also do not won the song 'Heaven is a place on Earth', nor do I own Hueco Mundo or anything else from Bleach.

* * *

><p><em>Three years later:<em>

Not much had changed in Konoha.

The Rookie 11 had steadily climbed through the ranks. Ino was due to return from a three-year training trip with Jiraiya, so her strength was unknown, but Neji Hyuuga had made it to Jonin and everybody else, save Sakura, had made it to Chunin. Naruto had guaranteed Sakura a promotion as soon as the girl stopped obsessing over 'Sasuke-kun' but hey, it's Sakura.

The biggest change out of the few that happened was regarding Naruto herself. The young Hokage got married and now went by the name Naruto Namikaze-Uchiha, with her husband being the Uchiha clan head. She had a quickly growing stomach to show as proof of their union.

Danzo remained in his post as the Godaime's advisor, often helping her with military decisions as well as reforming the Academy to stricter standards. Neither Hokage nor Root's leader wanted any more 'Sakura-like' kunoichi, as they called fangirls.

Tsunade had taken over the hospital and reorganized it completely. Konoha now had 60% more injured ninja recovering and being able to resume duties. Also, Naruto had somehow convinced Tsunade to train Sakura so that the girl wouldn't be completely useless.

_Maternity ward... I mean Fifth Hokage's office:_

"Oh come on!"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"You have two of them, it's not like you can't spare one!"

Shisui glared at Danzo. "And you have ten in your arm and one in your head. If somehow you convinced me to give you one of mine, where would you even put it?"

Naruto sighed. "Arguing about Sharingan eyes again?"

Danzo nodded.

"Sigh... we've been over this, Danzo. You can't have my husband's eyes." Naruto smirked and rubbed her stomach. "Then again, if the little one develops his or her Sharingan, I might reconsider."

"Naruto!" Shisui yelled, outraged.

Danzo knelt in front of the Hokage. "Please, please, please have the Sharingan, child. I beg you!"

"Sorry, Danzo. I was joking. I prefer Shisui-kun to be at a 100%."

"Can I have one of your child's eyes then?"

That question saw him quickly removed from the office.

"Geez, what is with that man?" Naruto grumbled, lying down on the sofa with her head resting in Shisui's lap.

"Hokage-sama!" Iruka bowed in the doorway. "I have received news that Jiraiya-sama has returned. Would you like me to get him for you?"

"Certainly. I missed Ino."

_Gates to hell... I mean Konoha's main entrance:_

"Ah, it feels good to be back." A tall blond girl smiled, stretching her arms behind her head. "Ne, Ero-sensei?"

"It sure does." Jiraiya chuckled. "I never get tired of coming back here."

"I wonder how Shishou's changed." Ino looked up at the carved face of the Godaime on the Hokage monument. "It has been three years after all."

"I bet you 500 ryo she's gotten herself knocked up and is milking it instead of working." Jiraiya smirked.

"You're on!"

_Maternity ward... I mean Fifth Hokage's office:_

"Are you kidding me?" Ino shouted, watching with a twitching eyebrow as Naruto slept on the sofa in her office while Shisui pressed his ear to her stomach, listening to the baby's heartbeat.

"What a nice scene." Jiraiya smiled softly, pocketing his winnings. "Minato and Kushina would be proud of you two."

"Thanks, Jiraiya." Shisui stood up and grinned. "Honey, time to wake up. Your student is here."

"Go away, Sakura!" Naruto yelled, still asleep.

"No, the other student."

"Sasuke, did Orochimaru get tired of your ass?"

Shisui face-palmed. "Your third student."

"Ino-chan!" The Yamanaka fell backwards as Naruto tackle-hugged her. "It's been so long! How are you? Did you learn anything from Shishou?" Her voice turned husky and suggestive. "Are you still a virgin? Should I... take care of that?"

Shisui and Jiraiya flew backwards with identical large nosebleeds.

Ino gave a grin back. "Why, Shishou, are you hitting on me? I didn't know you were a lesbian."

"Tch." Naruto pouted. "You have changed. Three years ago you would have been running for the hills if I did that. And I'm bi, you know that."

"Anyway." She clapped her hands, rousing the two men in her room. "Ino-chan, I want to see what you're capable of now. Shishou, go get Sakura. I'll be testing you two girls personally."

* * *

><p>"Here's what will happen." Naruto started, holding up two bells. "This will be just like last time. You have to get those two bells from me. Shisui-kun, Tsunade, Kakashi, and Shishou will be observing us. Both of you are still Genin, so depending on how well you do, you might get promoted."<p>

"You have until sunrise tomorrow. Remember, if you don't come at me with the intent to kill, you'll fail."

Ino eyed Naruto's rather large stomach nervously. "Are you sure you'll be all right?"

"I am over six months along and Tsunade is pressing me for constant bed rest." Naruto admitted. "I'm planning to do just that afterward, but I'll be fine for this."

Ino and Sakura looked around, noticing the three training poles. "Ah, this place is familiar..." Ino observed.

Naruto took out an Icha Harem book and opened it, grinning. "Feeling nostalgic, are we? Sasuke was here too back then, wasn't he?"

Sakura burst into tears. "Sasuke-kun!" She wailed.

Naruto sighed. "Well, Ino-chan, good luck. You will so need it."

She clapped the book shut again and put it away. "Well then, shall we start?"

"What's wrong, Shishou?" Ino smirked. "Not going to read this time?"

"Or maybe you finished it?" Sakura added, putting a glove on.

"As if you could be a challenge." Naruto laughed. "I'm just saving it for later. And Sakura, I _write_ these. Of course I know what will happen."

Off to one side, Kakashi frowned. "If she writes these, why does she constantly read them?"

"A mixture of ego and boredom." Jiraiya noted. "She's read all of mine, so she reads mine and hers over and over until the next one of mine is released."

Back on the field, Naruto's grin faded. "Besides, I might have to take you seriously myself." She commented, meditating briefly until an orange hue surrounded her eyes. "Have at it!"

Immediately, shuriken came whistling her way. Naruto didn't even blink as she snatched them out of mid-air, spun and tossed them right back with double the speed.

"Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!" Ino shouted, creating two clones which immediately charged at the Hokage. One grabbed the other and tossed it over the shuriken, before dispersing.

"Suiton-" Ino started, only to feel a kunai at her back.

Naruto smirked, looking at another Ino behind her, doing the same thing. "You did get better, I see." And she disappeared in a swirl of water.

Sakura frowned and looked around carefully. "Not up, left, right, or behind... in that case, she must be below!" She smashed a fist into the ground, causing the entire training ground to crumble.

"You fail." One of Sakura's kunai whispered, before it turned into Naruto and kicked the pink-haired girl in the back. "Never yell your attack like you just did. I had plenty of time for a Kawarimi and Henge."

Naruto jumped back and landed several meters away, only to wince when several ice needles dug themselves into her arm. "My, Ino-chan, silent mastery of the Sensatsu Suishō? I sure wasn't expecting that."

And she dispersed in a puff of smoke.

_Several hours later:_

"How are we supposed to get the better of her?" Sakura panted. "Her Futon just pushes us away every time we get in close, and whenever we do manage to hit her she slips into Sage Mode and recovers instantaneously."

"Yeah." Ino chuckled. "Her power is simply ridiculous. She's more observant than the Aburame, more skilled than Jiraiya-sama, and at times more sadistic than Orochimaru."

"How do you know that last one?"

Ino shrugged.

"Anyway, she must have a weak point of some sort." Sakura mused. "Any ideas?"

"Actually, yes." Ino smirked. "Just one."

Naruto looked up at the slowly brightening sky. "Only a few minutes left." She told herself. "Those two had better hurry."

"Found you, Shishou!" Ino cheered as she and Sakura appeared in the clearing.

"So you did." The pregnant girl grinned, hoisting herself up. "What now?"

"Eroton: Tsuin Shoujo-Ai!" Ino shouted, forming a single seal.

Naruto blinked when another Ino appeared next to the first one and the two proceeded to make out heavily. A huge grin lit up her face, before a nosebleed blasted her into the tree behind her.

"And that's that." Sakura observed, pulling the bells from the unconscious Hokage's belt. "Good one, Ino."

"I taste like me." Ino remarked, dispelling the clone.

* * *

><p>"Well, you certainly got stronger." Naruto grinned, leading the other two to Ichiraku's. "For two Genin to get the bells from me so easily..."<p>

"That reminds me!" Ino perked up. "What about our evaluation?"

"Sakura got an unanimous promotion to Chunin." Naruto smiled at the girl. "I guess you did grow up a little after all."

"And me?" Ino demanded impatiently.

"You..." Naruto frowned. "The votes on you were split in half. Tsunade and Kakashi want you to be a Chunin, while Shisui-kun and Shishou voted for Jonin. With a tie, the final choice falls to me. So... congratulations, Jonin Yamanaka!"

"That's favoritism!" Sakura yelled indignantly.

"Of course it is." Naruto nodded. "I trust Shishou's judgment in those matters more than anyone else's."

"No, I meant..." Sakura trailed off when the group noticed Shikamaru and some Suna girl approaching.

"Yo, Shika, Matsuri!" Naruto waved at them. "Ino-chan's back!"

"Matsuri?" Ino echoed.

"Matsuri-chan is a Chunin and Suna's ambassador to Konoha." Naruto explained.

"Good to see you again, Ino." Shikamaru smiled, for once shedding his bored expression. "So you're back, huh?"

"Yep." Ino chirped. "Just got back yesterday!"

"So?" Shikamaru prodded. "Are you less vain now? You must have changed a lot, huh? Still sticking to purple clothes, though."

"She's slowly turning into another me!" Naruto smirked excitedly. "Isn't that great?"

"Oh Kami no!"

"Shika..." Matsuri whined, pulling on his sleeve. "We're meant to be going..."

Naruto nodded. "Well, enjoy your date then!"

Shikamaru nodded and waved, already being pulled away. "Yeah, yeah..."

Ino was shocked. "Wait, so Shikamaru's actually dating someone? How did that happen?"

"No idea." Naruto shrugged. "It was funny when the Kazekage scared Shikamaru into treating his apprentice well, though. I wasn't there at the time, but he came back all pale and clammy."

"That girl is the Kazekage's apprentice?" Ino looked after Matsuri. "What about Gaara?"

"Who now?"

Ino slapped her forehead. "Gaara, you know, the redhead who let loose with the Ichibi during Suna's invasion?"

"Ah, him!" Naruto's face cleared. "Yeah, he's-"

_Simply nowhere... I mean Sunagakure:_

"Kazekage-sama."

Gaara turned to the messenger. "Yes, what is it?"

"The council meeting is about to start."

"I see." The redhead glanced at the moon briefly, before nodding. "Let's go, then."

_Heaven is a place on Earth... I mean Ichiraku Ramen:_

"I have no idea." Naruto finished. "Sakura, you were on a mission to Suna recently. What happened to Gaara?"

Sakura looked the Hokage like she was insane. "Gaara is the Kazekage. How could you possibly not know that?"

Naruto blushed. "He signs his messages 'Kazekage' and we never met face-to-face since the invasion... how was I supposed to know?"

The others just shook their heads.

_Hueco Mundo... I mean somewhere in a desert:_

"The ones used by Orochimaru are up ahead, un." A tall figure wearing a black cloak with red clouds observed. "For some reason, he betrayed us and leaked information about us to Konoha of all places, un."

"We don't have a choice other than eliminating him eventually." The anime version of Quasimodo grunted. "Are you sure that meager bag of clay will be enough for this job?"

"My jutsu are expressions of art, un!" The man cackled. "I'll be using one of my favorites here, since after all..." A mouth on his hand grinned in anticipation. "We are facing the Ichibi."

The shorter man stopped for a second, before resuming movement. "Never make dramatic pauses again."

The canyon entrance to Sunagakure loomed in front of them.

* * *

><p>Chapter 18 has finally arrived! The countdown until chapter 19 has started!<p> 


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